Chapter 4: All I Wanted Was the Place Beside Shikimi
The girl who hates boys, who, aside from being famous online, is the kind of girl you'd find in any class.
That, until a little while ago, was Kichijouji Ranka to me.
The boy who was always alone, always studying, the kind of boy you'd find in any class.
That, until a little while ago, is what I should have been to Ranka.
When was it that we stopped being that?
Was it that day we explored Shibuya together?
Was it that night she came chasing after me on the dark street?
Or was it—that moment she unexpectedly showed me her panties?
Ranka remembers the me of the past.
And I, too, am starting to remember the her of the past.
We are now standing on a continuation of that line from seven years ago.
Beyond the world that was supposed to have ended—
She was standing before the railing of Misome Bridge.
A bridge you cross while wishing for a fated encounter.
A bridge for seeking something you don't have, something Meru and Chinana said they didn't need.
There, emerged in the middle of the moonlit night, Ranka rested her hands on the vermilion railing, gazing down at the quietly flowing Katsura River.
"Ranka."
I called out, but Ranka didn't react.
I walked until I was about a meter away from her and placed a hand on the red railing.
"I have something to ask you."
".................."
"It's about what happened right after we exchanged contact information."
".................."
"Did you send me that photo of us from the past?"
Only the sound of flowing water drifted between us.
It was the only thing that told me time was still moving.
Eventually, Ranka, still looking down at the river, mumbled like a child.
"I don't know."
Her voice held a refusal, as if separated from me by a thick wall.
"That can't be right...! It had to be you! You probably don't know this, but my flip phone back then was a piece of junk, and it took a full ten minutes to receive an email! Because of that, I couldn't be sure which of you had sent it! But when I considered that, the time the email was sent was before my contact info was shared with the other three—"
"Shut up!!"
Her shrill scream echoed through the quiet, moonlit hot spring town.
The ear-splitting sound froze me solid.
Ranka lifted her head and glared at me.
Her eyes were brimming with tears, as if pleading for something.
"This is your fault...! Because you're flirting with Meru and Chinana!"
"Wha-what...!? What does that have to do with—"
"I'm sick of it! Being fawned over by girls, grinning like a lovestruck fool! Not thinking about anything at all!"
Slamming her palms against the railing, Ranka screamed, the words torn from the depths of her soul.
"That makes you—exactly the same as your deadbeat leech of a father!!"
My entire body froze solid.
It felt like my very soul was being turned inside out and scoured with a file, a sensation that shot from my brain to the tips of my toes.
Ranka wiped her tears with the back of her hand and spat out in a trembling voice, "You're the shallow one..."
Those were the words I myself had once said to Ranka.
Leaving only that in my heart, she ran off into the moonlit night.
I couldn't chase her.
I couldn't move a single finger.
I couldn't even deny her words.
I swore I'd never become a man like that.
Every time I remembered my own father, I burned that vow into my mind.
A father who was a parasite on women, who found his only support in being validated by them, who used it to excuse his own laziness.
I swore I'd never become a man like that.
I never wanted to become a man like that.
I had lived my life thinking only that. Believing only that.
And yet, the me of now...
Being liked by Meru, Chinana, and Kikuri, being fawned over... and it didn't feel bad.
...It's true, isn't it?
Just as Ranka said... I'm just like him.
"Senpai! Welcome back! Did you find Ran-nee? Honestly, for someone so cheerful, she sure likes to be alone—"
"Sorry."
The moment I returned to the room, Chinana came running up to me with a friendly smile, but I held up a hand, warding her off.
"Welcome back, Shikimi. Do you want a bath? Dinner? Or maybe—"
I gently brushed away Meru as she tried to sidle up to me next.
"Don't come near me."
"Eh...?" Meru let out a bewildered sound.
The sense that I had hurt her pricked at my conscience.
But I had to do this...
If I didn't, I would become just like him—
I escaped from the two of them onto the wide veranda, where the Chairwoman was sitting elegantly. There was a sake bottle on the table.
I wanted to be alone right now. I was about to turn on my heel to find another place when the Chairman spoke.
"You're being pulled in all directions, aren't you."
It was as if she had seen everything.
Even though there was no way she could have.
I glared at the Chairwoman's smile and said, "Don't talk like you know everything."
"I merely stated what I saw."
"Whose fault do you think this is in the first place?" An aimless, empty anger loosened my tongue. "You're the one who got hung up on memories, who tried to recreate the past like some kind of fool, who manipulated our lives. That's why everything is so messed up. Do you even realize that? Huh?"
I barely managed to keep from raising my voice, but my words were harsher than usual.
This isn't me.
And yet, I couldn't stop.
"This is your responsibility...! You gather us all together and then you don't even come home...! Fulfill your duty...! You're an adult. You're a parent! You're the one who...!"
The Chairman lowered her eyes sadly and brought the sake cup to her lips. "You are absolutely right. There is nothing I can say to that."
...What the hell...
Don't just admit it so easily.
That just makes me look like I'm throwing a tantrum...!
"I sincerely wish for a bright future for you all. It is no exaggeration to say this trip is for that purpose. Everything begins with facing things. You cannot move forward without facing the path you must walk... And that is something I, as an adult, cannot help you with."
"...What are you even..."
"How do you think you yourself should be?"
The abrupt question left me taken aback, but I answered.
"How I should be...? That was decided a long time ago. I want to be someone who can live strongly, all on my own..."
"I'm talking about how you need to be now in order to become that."
I was at a loss for an answer.
I can talk about ideals. I know the destination.
But what do I need to be now to get there?
How should I be, in order to face Kikuri, Meru, Chinana, and Ranka?
"...If I can just... remember what happened seven years ago, I should be able to figure it out."
I voiced my one and only hope.
"The me of seven years ago found an answer... If I can just remember that, then surely..."
Hearing this, the Chairman frowned. She propped an elbow on the armrest and said in a piercing voice, like a teacher pointing out a mistake on a test, "—So you're going to cling to it? To your past self?"
...Cling...
Me?
My life doesn't need any 'likes'.
I'll live by my own strength.
That's what I prided myself on.
I, who tried to live without clinging to anyone.
I'm being swayed by those around me.
I'm at a loss.
And now I'm clinging, crying for help?
To my own self from seven years ago?
—That's... impossible.
There's no way I can accept that.
I thought I had been honing myself. I'd studied, worked part-time, disciplined myself and grown.
And now you're telling me I'm clinging?
Relying on my childhood self?
"...Damn it..."
I covered my eyes with both hands and stared into the darkness.
But, if that's the case, then.
What am I supposed to do?
All alone... just me, now, all alone—
—What the hell am I supposed to do?
I couldn't even stand to be in the same space as the Chairman and the sisters.
I wandered aimlessly through the hot spring town at night.
At this rate, I'm just like Ranka...
The moon shining in the middle of the night sky looked like an unreachable exit. I was at the bottom of a dark pit, clawing at the empty air. Looking up at a light I knew I could never reach, even though I knew I couldn't reach it...
Walking without a destination, I found myself in a familiar alley.
"I think, down this way is..."
An old wooden building came into view. At night, it had a spooky atmosphere, as if a ghost might appear at any moment.
Shigetsuden hall.
Walking around to the side of it, I saw that stone.
The Wishing Stone.
A stone fabled to grant your wish if it feels light when you lift it with all your heart.
...Thinking about it now, there was no way my wish was going to be granted by something like this.
When I lifted it during the day, I felt the stone was light.
But because of that, I ended up clinging to the answer.
That the answer lay with my past self.
That an answer I couldn't find now was sleeping there.
That all I had to do was remember it...
"How... pathetic."
The answer for who I am now can only be found by the me of now. Of course it can.
And I... didn't even understand that...
I turned my back on the lotus-shaped stone, and—
"It has quite an atmosphere here at night, doesn't it?"
I stopped in my tracks at the sound of that voice.
I turned around.
Crunching over the gravel, a figure emerged from the night's darkness—
"Perfect for a test-of-courage date. Don't you think, Kimiko-kun?"
—It was Kikuri, in a yukata.
"Kikuri... why..."
"What happened with Ranka is partly my fault, too."
Kikuri stood beside me, looking at the Wishing Stone on its pedestal.
"I made her angry in the bath. That's why she left by herself. It was my mistake."
"Made her angry...? What did you say?"
"Just to be honest with herself. That's all."
That's all...? That's nothing new. She's always been stubborn, that's just how she is...
"Kimiko-kun, have you noticed that Ranka has been acting strange ever since Meru announced she was your girlfriend?"
"...Well..."
I had thought that she had become quieter than before.
"I've finally figured out why she was holding back like that."
"Holding back?"
"She's been struggling all this time—about forcing you to choose someone, seven years ago."
...What?
"The one who told me to choose just one of you... that was Ranka?"
Come to think of it, Kikuri had mentioned before that someone had suggested it, but she'd never said who specifically it was.
"Ranka was always strong-willed, even back then. In contrast, the younger two had more reserved personalities, and I also took a step back, so she naturally fell into a position of leadership for the five of us, alongside you. That's probably why... she was particularly insistent on being the one by your side. Thinking back on it now, it was probably Ranka who rode the lift with you seven years ago. I can just picture her, whining, 'I'm riding with you!'"
Yes... that face, I can remember it now.
The Ranka of back then must have been a girl who could straightforwardly say what she wanted. That's why she wanted it: the position by my side.
"But you continued to pay attention to the other three, so she lost her patience. Right here, in Shuzenji."
"Here?"
"She told you to choose the one girl who was most important to you—she probably never even doubted that she would be the one chosen. But as a result, it led to our collapse. She's been carrying the guilt of that ever since..."
So she couldn't get close to me? She felt she didn't have the right to get along with us...?
"What the hell..." My voice was low, filled with emptiness.
"Over something so long ago... something from when we were kids... is she saying she's going to be all alone? On a trip, away from the family she finally has, she's going to go back to being alone?"
"It's because it was from when we were kids that it weighs so heavily."
Kikuri walked over to the Wishing Stone.
"The same goes for this stone. We lifted this stone seven years ago, too. I, at least, wished that I could become good friends with you, and I'm sure the other three did the same. But—"
Kikuri traced the characteristic lotus flower shape with her slender fingers.
"—Isn't it obvious that a chunk of rock like this would feel heavy in a child's arms?"
...Ah...
That's... right.
"So everyone assumed that their feelings wouldn't be conveyed. And they rushed to find an answer."
The opposite... of me now.
I, somewhere in my heart, thought my feelings would be conveyed, and I waited for an answer.
But seven years ago, Ranka and the others mistakenly believed their feelings wouldn't be conveyed, and they tried to force an answer.
"I see..."
I walked up to the Wishing Stone and placed both hands on its side.
"The reason it felt light... was because I had lifted it before, with the arms of a child."
The legend had nothing to do with it. It was just a matter of memory and physics.
Kikuri let out an amused little laugh. "You didn't even notice that?"
"...Sorry."
"Don't worry about it," Kikuri said, placing a hand on my shoulder with the same casual friendliness she had when she was just a friend I met at the diner window seat.
"From now on, I can just teach you."
Those words slid perfectly into a gap that had existed in my mind.
—A gentleman seeks harmony, not conformity. A petty person seeks conformity, not harmony.
That was my motto, something Kikuri had taught me.
I certainly hadn't been conforming.
But at the same time, I probably hadn't been in harmony either...
A true gentleman—he doesn't rely on his own strength alone.
Ah... had I forgotten even that?
"Kikuri."
"Yes."
"Will you help me find Ranka?"
She replied instantly, joyfully.
"Of course."
◆
I thought no one was looking at me.
'She's not a very friendly child, is she.'
'Don't say that. She's a poor, pitiful thing with no family...'
...A poor, pitiful thing, huh.
Every time I heard the backhanded comments from my well-meaning foster parents, I felt like I'd been cast out of the world.
In the end, there's no place for me here either.
I've completely forgotten how many foster homes I passed through in the end, but one thing I can say for sure is that in none of them did I ever truly feel like I was part of a family.
I learned the word nenashigusa somewhere—a rootless, floating plant.
Apparently it's used to describe travelers, but I thought it sounded just like me.
I have no place to put down roots. No one to gaze at me and cherish me like a flower.
Do I even really exist in this world...?
Staring at the ceiling in a room that smelled of the foster child who came before me, I was assaulted by that anxiety time and time again.
It was then that I saw a certain video.
At school, on a friend's phone. A girl dancing lightly to music. The background was a school hallway, an ordinary, everyday scene—but she was free from the gravity of that everyday life.
Thinking back on it now, it was just a silly video piggybacking on a trend. The kind of thing that every high school girl in Japan films now, a few megabytes of data that just gets buried in the sea of information.
But it taught me that if I did something like this, someone might see me.
If there was someone out there who would see me, then maybe that could become my place in the world.
However, I was a foster child in a foster home. I didn't have the courage to ask my foster parents—who were only temporary substitutes—for something as expensive as a smartphone.
So, that first video, I had my friend film it for me.
And, for better or worse, it went viral.
I don't know why. Maybe it was because I was reasonably good-looking, or maybe it was simply that my desperation showed in my movements.
The number of comments and likes kept growing. The torrent of text and changing numbers produced an amount of dopamine I'd never felt before.
I shared my joy with my friend, and getting a taste for it, I released video after video into the sea of the internet. Words of praise for me kept pouring in, and I could feel something inside my head starting to break.
It was this easy all along.
I could feel something that had been parched being quenched. I could feel a wound somewhere inside me healing.
But, even so.
The thing I had lost somewhere, sometime, remained missing.
I think, maybe, I've been looking for it this whole time. While searching for trending memes, while practicing my singing, while fighting with creepy viewers on my streams.
I was always looking for it.
Until that moment, when I found that photo in the drawer of Mom's room.
...I thought I had found it...
That this was my destiny.
That my place was here all along.
But what actually began was just a continuation of my cringey past...
I don't need anyone to see me anymore.
I'm tired.
Tired of trying to fill the hole in my heart, tired of watching the past repeat itself.
Getting hurt, healing, getting hurt, healing—I'm sick of that cycle.
If I can just stop this behavior that's like repeatedly cutting my wrists and masturbating, then maybe I can become a little bit better.
Forget everything, and just become a normal, ordinary high school girl with a family, with a boyfriend—
"——Ranka!"
...Ah, damn it.
Why is your timing so bad?
◆
Ranka was on the round stage in the Bamboo Grove Path, looking up at the night sky.
This area may be a tourist spot, but at this time of night, there was no one around. Alone in the pitch-black bamboo grove, bathed in the pouring moonlight, Ranka looked like an actress without an audience.
Continuing to perform even though no one is watching—to change something about herself.
"...Ranka..."
She had an air of being about to shatter. I called her name again, my own voice sounding weak to my ears.
The one who had told me to choose was Ranka.
And as a result, the close relationship between the five of us had collapsed.
Somehow, it connected. That event from the past, and the way Ranka was now.
Ranka pretends to be the strongest of the four sisters, but in reality, her mental state is the most fragile. That's been clear ever since that time—since we fought over the food picture.
If she had already remembered what happened seven years ago by then, perhaps the memory of that failure, the guilt, is what built up her psyche that's as fragile as hardened sand.
It must have been an act of self-defense. Her keeping her distance from us recently.
A situation that brought back memories of seven years ago. The fear that if she got too close, something might pop, like pricking a balloon with a needle.
It's all just speculation.
But if that's why she's out here on a night like this, gazing at the moon all by her lonely self—
—then to overlook that would not be the gentleman I aspire to be.
"Ranka... Let's go back. It's cold out here."
Ranka slowly turned her face from the sky to me.
Then, a faint, cynical smile touched her lips.
"...So what? You're going to add me to your harem, too?"
"I didn't say that. Just that you can't stay here forever."
"Forever... yeah. I know... I know that..." Ranka repeated, "I know," but she didn't move.
Maybe she couldn't move.
Either way, I took a step towards her.
"Ranka."
I called her name again and again.
"Until now, I've believed that my life doesn't need any 'likes'."
My confession began.
"I looked down on them, somewhere in my heart. People who couldn't be satisfied unless they were praised or acknowledged by someone. People like you."
Ranka knit her brow slightly, a look of suspicion on her face.
I continued as I walked.
"But, without even realizing it myself, that way of thinking gradually changed. It's because I witnessed firsthand how the people I thought were weak—people like you—were working harder, getting hurt, thinking, and fighting in ways that were beyond comparison to me."
Chinana, struggling under the weight of her debut's reputation.
Kikuri, unable to move on, dragged down by her past with me for seven years.
Meru, suffering under the pressure of her own talent, yet never stopped fighting.
And Ranka, tormented by her own need for approval, caught in a self-made trap—
"'A 'bias' is 'another person's protagonist,' Kikuri said. In that sense, you all had already, long ago, become my protagonists. That feeling isn't the 'conformity' of petty people flocking together. Rather, it was a way of being that was solitary, advancing through a wilderness no one else would walk."
That's why my studying is nothing compared to that.
You don't get hurt by studying. At most, you get called a 'nerd', but other than that, you only get praise, and your future is more or less guaranteed. Compared to a way of life that seeks to be chosen by others, it's nothing more than following in the footsteps of those who came before.
That's why I couldn't admit it for so long.
That they were walking a path I could not walk—and somewhere in my heart, I was jealous.
"You said that being fawned over by Meru and Chinana made me just like my father. I think you're right."
But, I declared my answer.
"Don't you dare underestimate your sisters."
From a distance so close I could reach out and touch her, I looked down at Ranka, who was sitting on the stage.
Ranka looked up at my face, her eyes widening slightly.
"You don't have to believe in me. But don't you dare underestimate your sisters. Do you think Meru, who showed such a fight, is the same as my mother, who couldn't break off a bad relationship? Do you think Chinana, who never stops smiling no matter how much she worries, would fall for a mere leech of a man? If I'm not worthy of them, they'll be the ones to leave. Whether you're there or not, they'll find their own answers."
I put as much force as I could into my words, hoping they would reach Ranka's heart.
I said, "—Stop being so damn scared! Neither I nor your sisters are as weak as you think we are!!"
That if you're there, things will break.
That if you're there, things will end.
That's an arrogance even a tragic heroine wouldn't indulge in.
Stop being scared for no reason. Stop being afraid for no reason. Stop being anxious for no reason.
Before any of that—
"—Share how you feel. Like you did with the photo. I don't care if it's with me, or with your sisters."
A gentleman seeks harmony, not conformity. A petty person seeks conformity, not harmony.
A truly great person is one who shares, who doesn't keep it all inside.
A light gathered in Ranka's eyes, and I quickly realized it was the moonlight reflecting in her tears.
"...What is it..." Ranka's voice trembled like a ripple on water. "So high and mighty... so selfish... just lecturing me on and on..."
A drop trickled down her cheek, and Ranka looked down to hide it.
"...I did something I shouldn't have..."
"Yeah."
Her voice was as weak as a child's. I just nodded.
"I was being selfish... I thought it was only natural that I should be the one by your side..."
"Yeah."
"I was lonely... Being separated from Mom... from the only family I had... I felt like no one was looking at me..."
"Yeah."
"I wanted it... I wanted it so badly... All I wanted was the place beside Shikimi...!"
That, probably—
Now, I can say it clearly.
"That's not... a bad thing."
"Uwah... ah, ahhhh...!!"
As if a dam had broken, Ranka let out a sob, covering her face with both hands, her head bowed.
I sat down beside her, and after a moment's hesitation, I gently put my arm around her shoulder.
No one is listening here.
No listeners, no followers, no family.
...Come to think of it, I said it before, didn't I?
It's okay to lean on me. Rely on me.
I'm just fulfilling that promise.
That's all this is.
Even after her sobs subsided, Ranka didn't move from my arms. If anything, she leaned her head on my shoulder, resting her weight against me.
"...Sorry, Ranka. This is starting to get a little awkward."
"No. Let me be spoiled a little longer," she whined like a child.
It reminded me of Meru's pushiness, but then I noticed it.
The ear peeking out from under Ranka's hair was dyed bright red.
...Well.
It's not often this one is so honest about what she wants... I'll let it slide, for now.
"...You know," Ranka murmured in a small, hoarse voice, tired from crying, still leaning against me.
"I felt guilty... and I felt like I owed you... but more than that... I think I was just sulking."
"Sulking?"
Ranka suddenly fell silent for a moment.
"You... were saying something about a photo, right?" she said, abruptly changing the subject.
"Ah, yeah... but if you don't want to talk about it—"
"I'll tell you."
It might have been to hide her embarrassment, but her tone was strangely brusque.
"How I've felt... since I met you... since we were reunited..."
And then Ranka began to tell the story of the past five months, from her perspective.
◆
I looked at my phone, where I had jotted down the phone number and address I got from Kiminaga, and headed home.
I can't believe we ended up hiring a male housekeeper... I wouldn't have even considered it this time yesterday. Even thinking about it now, it seems ridiculously absurd. I mean, there are four girls of a certain age here, right? And you're going to let a male classmate in? Seriously?
As usual, I have no idea what Mom is thinking. I'm grateful that she took me in after I was bounced from one foster home to another, and that she lets me do my video stuff freely, but doesn't she think about reporting, contacting, and consulting with her family about these things?
...Maybe there's a reason...
A reason she wanted to hire Kiminaga... a reason she wanted to bring us together...
There was no one in the living room. It was still early, so maybe they were still sleeping. I can share the contact info a little later.
I went up the stairs to the second floor and put my hand on my bedroom doorknob.
That's when I noticed the door to the next room.
It was Mom's room.
She's almost never home, so it's practically empty, with just a bed and a side table.
Her reason for hiring Kiminaga... she must have had something in mind.
Mom never really explains anything to us, and sometimes I think she's not thinking at all, but on the other hand, she's definitely not so free that she'd do something without any intention, and she does have a grasp of common sense.
That same Mom chose a classmate to be our housekeeper. Kiminaga, of all people...
Could it be... could it possibly be...
Something was throbbing in my head. A void in my heart. A lump of frustration from knowing something is missing, but not knowing what it is.
Something within that void was aching.
A memory... someone's face... a voice...
"...Shikimi...?"
The name slipped out before I even realized it.
Hearing my own voice, I finally realized it matched Kiminaga's first name.
What? What is this...
I'm trying to remember something. I want to remember. If I remember, I'm sure I'll feel better. But I don't want to remember. If I remember, I'm sure I'll regret it.
Conflicting emotions swirled messily in my head, and like a zombie craving blood, I found myself reaching for the doorknob to Mom's room.
The answer to this mess... I'm sure Mom knows it.
That's when I remembered something Mom had said—
'Don't open the drawer of the side table in my room. There are... precious memories in there.'
A rare order from Mom.
The uncharacteristic phrase, 'precious memories'.
I always thought it was just one of Mom's photo albums or something.
But could it be...
The door was unlocked.
I opened it and stepped into the barren room... It was dusty from not being cleaned at all. The morning sun filtered in sadly through the drawn curtains into the dim room.
The side table next to the bed.
That drawer...
I kept looking over my shoulder, confirming that no one else was around, and reached for the drawer of the side table.
And then.
Inside, I found a single photograph and an SD card.
A photograph of three girls and one boy.
The moment I saw it, I remembered everything.
And right there, I cried without making a sound.
I collected the photo and the SD card and scurried back to my room with them.
The very first thing I did was check the contents of the SD card. It was nothing special, just the image data from when the photo was taken. A backup, probably.
Kiminaga—no, Shikimi and I had met seven years ago.
The void that had always been inside me, the one I had unconsciously been trying to fill, had been in the shape of him.
That's right—
I wasn't chosen.
Even though we were together so much.
Even though I was by his side so much.
The one Shikimi chose... wasn't me.
It was such a shock... so pathetic... that I had sealed the memory away.
I don't know who Shikimi chose back then.
I'm honestly curious who it was, but I don't feel any resentment. The me of back then was selfish. I thought it was only natural that I should be by Shikimi's side, and somewhere in my heart, I looked down on the other three. That's why I wasn't chosen. It was only natural.
But.
What would happen now?
From the looks of it, Shikimi definitely doesn't remember the past either. If I made him choose one of us again, right now—
It's scary.
But I want to know.
Scary, scary, scary—I want to know, I want to know, I want to know—Scary, scary—I want to know I want to know I want to know—Scary—I want to know, I want to know—I want to know I want to know I want to know—
I wanted to be chosen.
That desire had been stuck to the very foundation of my heart for so long. That's why going viral fulfilled me. Being praised. Being acknowledged. That was what healed me at my core.
But I finally realized it.
There is nothing that satisfies the need for approval more than being chosen by the person you love.
I want to be chosen.
I want to be acknowledged.
I want to be praised.
I was jealous. Of whoever it was that Shikimi chose seven years ago.
I'm sure she doesn't agonize like this. I'm sure her head never gets all messed up from wanting to be chosen so badly. She's free, and strong, and a stranger to anxiety. She can walk through the world, looking forward. She can smile at Shikimi with confidence.
I'm so jealous.
I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous I'm so jealous I'm so jealous I'm so jealous I'm so jealous...
If only I had been that girl.
Then I would have been free from these ugly feelings.
"...Ah."
As I was looking through the images on the SD card, the idea struck me.
A way to be free from this jealousy.
A way to rescue me, the loser, in one fell swoop.
That's right.
Shikimi still doesn't remember the past.
He doesn't remember who he chose.
In that case, while I still can—
I just have to become that girl.
'You'll choose me again this time, won't you?'
Before I knew it, I had sent the email.
To an address that, for now, only I knew.
He'll surely think that I'm that girl from seven years ago.
If he does, then surely...
Surely...
—But when I met Kiminaga the next day, he didn't treat me like his girlfriend at all.
Once the fevered excitement cooled, a bit of rationality returned.
There's no way a single email like that would bring back his memories. In fact, if he really did remember, he would also realize that the one he chose wasn't me.
What am I doing...
Not only had I screwed up, but my logic didn't even make any sense.
Fortunately, Kiminaga never brought up that email. Maybe he thought it was spam or something and ignored it. I was deeply, truly relieved.
I'll just pretend it never happened, pretend I don't remember the past, and just interact with him normally.
Besides, my feelings for him were in the past, not the present.
Kiminaga is just some boring nerd, he has no tact, he's annoyingly self-important—
"Ah." "Ah."
One evening, Meru and Kiminaga came down the stairs together, Meru with bedhead.
It was evening, but they looked for all the world like they were doing the walk of shame after a night out.
Where these two had been and what they had been doing—unpleasant thoughts raced through my head and spurred me into action.
"You finally did it, didn't you!? You're banned! This time for sure, you're banned!"
Why am I so irritated?
The me of now is supposed to feel nothing for this guy.
No, he's working here under the condition that he doesn't do anything weird with any of us. He broke that rule, that's why I'm pissed off.
That's all it's supposed to be.
For the time being, I let it go after he explained the situation, but even after that, an unresolved feeling continued to swirl inside me.
What's his deal? Acting like he has no interest in girls...
So in the end, that's how you are? You pretend to treat everyone equally, but in reality, someone is special to you—
Why... couldn't that be me?
A swirl of black emotions that wasn't quite anger, wasn't quite jealousy.
That feeling, which had been festering in a corner of my heart, must have been what overflowed at that moment.
"...Please? Is it... no good...?"
I had pushed Kiminaga down, flirted with him, and tried to make him cook for my Instagram.
The truth is, I probably didn't care about the food at all.
I just used the excuse of meeting my followers' expectations to indulge my own desires.
Because I wanted him to look only at me.
Because the one I wanted to look at me... had always been him.
"Don't fuck with me!!"
So when Kiminaga yelled that at me, I truly felt like my entire being had been rejected.
My past, and my present.
My entire self was negated by that one shout, and finally, I understood, with a helpless clarity, that I was a hopeless person.
How pathetic I am.
Hijacking the shadow of someone I don't even know. Trying to get his attention like a child. And in the end, I tried to use my feminine wiles to get on his good side. I had grown up watching my mother being betrayed that way, and I had sworn I would never become that kind of woman.
Suddenly, it all just seemed so stupid.
The events of seven years ago... the void in my heart... all of it, it was all so stupid.
Because I found that thing.
If only I hadn't found that photo, I'm sure I could still be the strong, man-hating Ranka.
It didn't take me long to decide to let go of that photo.
But throwing it away felt like a waste. So should I give it to someone? No, if that person remembered just like I did...
It's pathetic, even at this point, but I was afraid of that too.
What if the person I gave the photo to was the girl who was chosen seven years ago, and if she remembered, then wouldn't the spot next to Shikimi instantly become hers?
The best thing would be for no one to find it.
The next best thing would be for only Kiminaga to find it.
Considering all that, I thought Meru's room would be the best hiding spot.
Meru wouldn't notice if things in her room were moved around a bit, and since Kiminaga is the one who cleans, he would be the one to find it.
In the morning, while Meru was out of her room taking a bath or eating, I snuck in.
Meru's room is cluttered, so I could hide it anywhere, but I wanted a place that Meru herself wouldn't go near.
With that in mind, the closet seemed like a good idea. I stuck the photo and the SD card to the back of a drawer in the closet.
Now, I'm free...
I let out a sigh of relief and left Meru's room.
Just then, I heard someone coming up the stairs.
"...Ah, Ran-nee."
Chinana, coming up from the first floor, saw me.
"Senpai made breakfast. Aren't you going to eat?"
"Ah... I'll eat later."
"Okay..."
I quickly left Chinana and slipped into my room.
She shouldn't have seen me coming out of the room... I might have been acting a little strange, but I'm in the middle of a fight with Kiminaga right now, so that shouldn't seem unnatural.
In my room, now free of that photo, I collapsed onto my bed.
I felt a sense of utter exhaustion. I had no energy to do anything.
Now I was nothing. I wasn't the girl who was chosen seven years ago. There was no trace of what happened seven years ago left anywhere.
I was now nothing to Kiminaga...
As I idly searched my own name online, that sense of exhaustion just kept growing.
I see, I realized, belatedly.
I had tried to steal someone else's accomplishment.
I had bent my principles to curry favor with a man.
And now that I've thrown that away, I'm so empty...
"...I'm... nothing but lies..."
What "most famous high school girl in Japan."
The truth is, I'm a fake person, built on layers of lies.
For someone like me to be loved, that could only be a lie.
I have to fill it in.
I have to fill it in and hide it.
I have to absorb the me that everyone expects, fill in and hide the real me, and become more, and more, and more worthy of praise—
—And that's when Kiminaga threw open the door to my room.
"You're such a pain!!"
At that moment, incorrigibly, I saw in his face the ghost of seven years ago.
◆
After listening to Ranka's confession, I was utterly stunned.
Not chosen?
Did she just say she wasn't chosen?
"The one I chose... wasn't it you?"
Ranka scowled and glared at me. "That's what I said. Weren't you listening?"
"That email... you sent it pretending to be the one I chose...?"
"I told you, yes! It's my dark past, so stop digging it up!"
"Ranka—you weren't Sakurato?"
Ranka blinked, looking confused.
"Who's Sakurato?"
Ranka isn't Sakurato...?
No, that's impossible...!
"I took the photo and the SD card from the drawer, sent you the email with the photo, and then hid the photo and the SD card in Meru's room. That's it. Who's Sakurato? Are you hitting on girls other than us?"
"No... that's not it..."
There was no SD card.
Taped to the back of the drawer in Meru's closet... there was only the paper photograph!
—Someone took only the SD card from the photo and SD card Ranka hid?
—The person who sent the email and the woman who called herself 'Sakurato' are two different people?
I still couldn't accept the possibility that everything was about to be overturned.
This is weird. It's so weird. Because on the phone, Sakurato—
"Let me... let me ask you one thing, Ranka."
"What?"
"On the first night of this trip, we met at the pool, right? Where did you go after that?"
That was exactly when Sakurato had called me.
I had faintly heard the sound of the tide in the background—
"Where, you ask..."
Ranka tilted her head but answered. "I was at the gift shop on the first floor... why?"
...The gift shop?
"Can you prove it!?"
"Sure. You're the one who was so nagging about it, weren't you? Told me to always keep my receipts."
Ranka took out her wallet, pulled out a receipt, and handed it to me.
Printed on it were the names of the souvenirs Ranka had bought and the time of the transaction.
It was, without a doubt, right after I met her at the pool—the exact time I was on the phone with Sakurato.
Ranka has an alibi.
She was definitely in the gift shop at that time.
But. But, that place—
—It had the usual traditional crafts and rice crackers lined up like any other souvenir shop, but as expected of a high-end inn, it had a refined atmosphere. Even though the sea should have been right nearby, I couldn't hear the sound of the waves.
—Even though the sea should have been right nearby, I couldn't hear the sound of the waves.
It was quiet.
I couldn't hear it.
The sound of the tide... nothing at all.
Ranka is not Sakurato.
If she was, there's no way I would have heard the sound of the tide in the background of her voice.
The sender of the email and Sakurato are not the same person.
However.
—W-who are you...! Are you the one who sent that email!?
—I told you a second ago, didn't I? I'm Shikimi-kun's—your ex-girlfriend.
She certainly didn't answer my question with a 'yes'.
But at the same time, she didn't ask 'What email?' either.
Sakurato knew about the email. Even though she wasn't the sender, she knew—
—...In that case, who the hell sent that email...?
"Ah."
Ah, ah!
"Aaaahhhhaaaaaaaahhhhhh————!!"
A sensation like being struck by lightning shot through my entire body. I jumped to my feet with a shout, and Ranka flinched beside me.
"Wh-what!? What's gotten into you!?"
"I get it...! I get it I get it I get it I get it!!"
There was no other possibility. This was the only way.
Sakurato's true identity is—her.
After bringing Ranka back to our room (or rather, our detached suite), I went to soak by myself in the private open-air bath.
Sakurato is here, in this suite.
I could confront her right away. She wouldn't be able to talk her way out of it. The deduction that had sprouted in my mind was that conclusive.
However, there is a right time and place for everything.
Tomorrow—on the last day of our trip, I'll end it all.
The blank space of seven years ago, the fateful connection of seven years, I'll end it all tomorrow...
For now, I'll soak in this feeling of release.
"Haaaah..."
This feels... good.
My mind feels so clear.
I felt a sense of exhilaration, as if I'd taken a bath for the first time in a month. Not that I've ever gone a month without a bath, so I wouldn't know.
As I was savoring the refreshing clarity of the fog in my head having lifted all at once, I heard the pitter-patter of footsteps from the entrance.
Who is it?
I turned around to see someone coming down the stairs from the changing area.
I have my glasses off, so I can't see their face... They're holding what looks like a towel in front of their body...
Wait a second.
Aren't I the only guy in this suite?
"U-um... hello..."
At the sound of that bashful voice, my eyes went wide.
"Ranka!?"
I instinctively sank up to my shoulders in the water to hide my body.
Why did you come in!? Didn't you know I was in here!? No, how could you not!
"What are you doing!"
"Well... you suddenly started screaming to yourself earlier, and then just left..."
Muttering something, Ranka dipped her feet in next to me and then gently submerged her body in the hot water.
She kept the towel in front of her, but of course it floated up and shifted in the water, and anyway, a single towel was no match for hiding that blessed figure of hers, which rivaled even Meru's... In my blurry vision, beyond the steam rising from the water, I could almost swear I saw something pink peeking out from the white towel... or maybe not...
I tried to put some distance between us, but at the same time, Ranka's hand firmly gripped my elbow.
"D-don't run away...! ...I just want to talk... a little more."
Did she figure the only place we could talk alone was the bath...?
True, Ranka doesn't seem like the type to think of things like Kikuri or Meru... though there was that one time when we fought over the food picture and the atmosphere got terrifyingly weird...
"O-okay... I get it... so let go of my arm..."
"Mm..."
Ranka obediently let go. She's being unusually submissive... or rather, meek... It's not the worried vibe from before, though...
"It's just... um..."
Ranka began to speak, hesitating. "Earlier... you told me to share, right...? To... share my feelings..."
"Yeah, I did."
"And... you told me not to underestimate anyone... right...? That I didn't need to be anxious for no reason..."
"Yeah, I said that."
"So... well, I should probably apologize in advance for this, but..."
Fiddling with the wet tips of her hair, Ranka spoke in a small voice that was almost lost in the sound of the water.
"...Sorry for being so easy."
"Huh?"
I couldn't grasp her meaning at first.
But in my blurred vision, the part of her face that should be her cheeks seemed to be dyed a deep red, and I suspected it wasn't just because of the hot bath.
Ranka's hand once again grabbed my upper arm.
Then, she pulled with a jerk, and from the other side of my blurry vision, Ranka's face appeared.
"I asked you before, didn't I? If I came on to you like this, would you go out with me too?"
"...Y-yeah..."
"I'm going to test that now."
My thoughts couldn't keep up.
Before I had time to think, Ranka's large eyes were right in front of me, and my lips were sealed by something soft.
I'm... being kissed?
As I stared at Ranka's long, now-closed eyelashes, I registered the sensation of her lips on mine as if it were happening to someone else.
Five seconds, ten seconds—I couldn't even count. Her lips parted from mine, and Ranka gently opened her eyelids to peer into my eyes.
"...I love you..." she whispered, as if the words had just escaped. Then, she threw both her arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug, and pressed her lips against mine again.
This is bad.
I don't know what's happening, but this is bad.
What's bad is that we're both completely naked right now. The towel Ranka had been holding in front of herself was long gone, floating on the surface of the water. Her wet, bare skin was pressed against mine without any barrier, and a pleasure that felt like my brain was melting coursed through my entire body.
After a few more seconds, she broke the kiss again, taking a small breath.
Then, she stared intently into my eyes.
Faced with an affection so undeniable it needed no words, even I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed.
"W-wait a second—"
Before I could finish, my lips were sealed once again.
This time, that wasn't all. Seizing the opportunity as I opened my mouth, her tongue slithered inside. Her breath came in ragged pants through her nose as she began to ravage the inside of my mouth. It was only then that I finally understood her state.
She's lost control.
Unlike Meru, who approaches things with reason and logic, Ranka is the type who, because she's usually so composed, has no brakes once her desires run wild.
And this was probably part of her nature from the beginning... but her sex drive is insanely high.
At this point, all she can think about is devouring me!
After flailing my hands in the water, I finally managed to grab Ranka's shoulders.
I pushed with all my might, forcibly tearing Ranka's body, which was suctioned to my mouth like a bottomless void, away from me.
"C-calm down!"
And to avoid a follow-up attack, I stood up with a splash.
"Just calm down for a second! Calm—"
As I said that, I realized I wasn't calm myself.
Because it was only then that I finally noticed.
That I was currently completely naked.
That Ranka's eyes weren't on my face, but were drawn to what was right in front of her.
That by standing up, I had thrust it right in front of her nose, and that she was gawking at it.
"Ah."
Shit.
Ranka's face, already flushed with excitement, turned an even deeper shade of red. Her ragged breathing stopped as if a switch had been flipped. Without even blinking, her bloodshot eyes remained fixed on the object before her—
"Augh."
—and a trickle of blood ran from her nose.
Then, she swayed and fell backward, sinking into the water.
"H-hey!? Ranka!? Ranka!"
I somehow managed to pull the naked, sinking Ranka to the edge of the tub.
To get a nosebleed from sheer arousal and passout...
Is this really an appropriate way for Japan's most famous high school girl to confess her love?
Looking down at the influencer lying unconscious in an indecent pose on the tiles, I found myself worrying, as if it were someone else's problem.
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