Prologue: The True Nature of Loneliness
──I wanted to be loved.
I wanted her to truly look at me.
"Go study."
That was my mother's catchphrase.
Only when I was studying did she ever look my way.
But when she watched me study, my mother was always irritated.
"Why can't you even do this!?" she'd shriek.
Sometimes, screaming in that shrill voice of hers, she would swat my stationery and notebooks right off my desk.
"...I'm sorry," I'd whisper.
I would pick them all up and start studying once more.
Every single day was a repeat of that cycle.
Being around my mother when she was angry was agonizing.
But since it was better than being completely ignored, I kept on studying.
When I wasn't studying, my mother wouldn't give me the time of day.
In all the time I spent with her, I don't have a single memory of ever being praised.
"I'm saying this for your own good."
That was another one of her favorite phrases.
What I remember vividly is the time I failed my middle school entrance exams.
My mother threw a massive fit, tearing through the house, before locking me in my room and screaming at me to "Study!"
Unable to drink water or even use the bathroom, my consciousness had grown hazy by the time the door finally opened.
"...Have you reflected on what you've done?" she demanded.
Looking at my pathetic state, my mother just scoffed, not an ounce of remorse in her eyes.
If I just study harder, I won't have to go through this. Mom will surely praise me, too.
That's what I thought, and yet even at my second-choice middle school, my grades didn't improve all that much.
Around that time, I finally started to understand.
──Ah, I'm just stupid.
Things that other people could grasp easily took me hours to understand.
That's why, even though I was studying as hard as I could while everyone else was out playing, there wasn't a significant difference between us.
My grades were always near the top, of course.
But no matter how many times I tried, I could never clinch first place.
Gradually, the way my mother looked at me began to change.
The opportunities I had for her to watch me study grew fewer and fewer.
I thought that if things kept going like this, she would abandon me.
But no matter how hard I tried, my grades just wouldn't improve.
"Hey, Kazemiya~. Do you have a crush on anyone?"
"...Eh?"
Before I knew it, I was well aware that my personality had changed.
So that I would be loved, so that I would be doted on, I naturally corrected my own personality.
"N-No way! I don't have anyone like that," I squeaked.
My circle of friends in middle school grew.
As my looks matured, I started becoming popular with the boys.
But──it had absolutely no effect on my mother.
The decisive blow came during the summer of my third year in middle school.
My grades for the final exams were the worst they'd ever been.
I'm sure that since everyone else had started studying for the high school entrance exams, the gap between us naturally closed.
"Why are you so stupid!?" my mother screamed.
Looking at my report card, she ripped it to shreds in a fit of rage.
"If this is how it is, there was no point in giving birth to you!"
──From then on, all conversation between me and my mother vanished.
My mother had given up on me.
Desperate to get her to look at me once more, I studied frantically and managed to pass the exams for Sanrin High School, which boasted one of the highest academic rankings in the prefecture. Even so, my mother's only reaction was a curt, "Oh." She started leaving my living expenses on the table and disappearing off to somewhere. Often, she wouldn't even come back at night.
I don't really know what she was doing.
But I did see her hanging out with a man in town once.
That man wasn't my father.
My father disappeared when I was very young.
It was right around the time I first became aware of my surroundings, but I remember him well.
Unlike my mother, who was always angry, my father was always smiling.
"Dad, I did it!"
"Whoa! You're amazing, Kanon!"
Every time I did something, my father would praise me.
I don't know why he left.
Whenever I touched upon the subject of his disappearance, my mother would fly into a rage.
──I want to see my dad.
But I'm a high school student now, and I'm aware of reality.
The first person to abandon me was my father. That's why he left.
...Even so, what am I supposed to do?
Having entered high school, I had lost sight of what I was supposed to be doing.
Before I knew it, I was constantly surrounded by boys.
Whenever I did that, it felt like my heart was healing just a little bit.
Being shown affection makes me happy.
That's why I always end up seeking it out.
Unlike girls, grasping the affection of boys is easy.
If I just snuggle up to them a little, they easily fall for me.
But could the love directed at someone like me ever truly be called genuine?
Searching for something to do, I tried joining the Girls' Tennis Club.
To be honest, it wouldn't be wrong to say I was completely lost. Having barely played any sports and possessing terrible motor skills, it was only natural that I dragged everyone else down. Naturally, the other club members had a bad impression of me.
Just... what am I doing?
It happened at night after club activities, when I was completely at a loss, gazing up at the moon.
"──Good evening. It's a beautiful night again today, isn't it?"
That was when a senpai, breathtakingly beautiful even amidst the darkness of the night, called out to me.
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