◆ Chapter 6: I Didn’t Say “I Love You”
The Monday after my weekend date with Yunagi-san.
Until after school, no, even after it, I was lost in thought.
I couldn’t count how many times I sighed as I thought about what we talked about at the amusement park, and for some reason, I also recalled a few bad memories from the past.
—I won’t give up.
—So, please, Sakuraba-kun. Make me… your real girlfriend?
Yunagi-san’s voice echoed in my head.
The back of my chest ached with a dull, throbbing pain.
I felt as if the warmth of her hand, the faint pulse I had felt on the Ferris wheel, still lingered on my own.
“Back then…”
The words escaped me unconsciously.
Why didn’t I shake off Yunagi-san’s hand back then?
The old me would have been able to. No, I should still be able to.
Why didn’t I?
No… maybe I already—
“…Hah.”
“Aoto?”
Hearing my name, I instinctively looked up.
Color returned to the scenery around me, and I realized it was raining.
Tsubaki stood at the classroom entrance, her bag in hand.
Her usual prickly air was gone, and she tilted her head, looking at me with concern.
“Hey, Tsubaki. What’s up? What about your club?”
“…A lot of things came up, so it’s cancelled. I was going to do my homework, so I came to get it.”
“Oh. I see.”
I stretched my body with a groan, and the blood circulated, clearing my muddled consciousness.
I stood up and slung my bag over my shoulder.
“Going home?”
“Yeah. Want to walk together?”
When I said that, Tsubaki’s shoulders jumped, and her eyes widened.
Then, she was silent for a moment and glanced once at the rain outside the window.
“Wait for me.”
She said, and then pulled out several textbooks and notebooks from her desk.
Come to think of it, this might be the first time Tsubaki and I have walked home from school together since middle school.
The rain was only getting heavier.
Since Tsubaki only had a folding umbrella, I swapped my regular one with hers.
We walked with a little distance between us so our umbrellas wouldn’t bump.
“…Thanks for the umbrella.”
“It’s fine. I don’t have anything in my bag that would be ruined by getting wet.”
No textbooks, and no books today either. What a low-effort bag.
“What were you doing just now?”
Tsubaki asked.
Even in the loud rain, her voice cut through clearly. Tsubaki’s voice had always had a unique ring to it.
“Not reading, just sitting here after school. That’s strange.”
“Even I have things to think about sometimes.”
I tried to be vague, but Tsubaki probably knew exactly what I was thinking.
She knew almost everything, after all.
“…How was the date?”
This time, her voice was almost lost in the sound of the rain.
We entered a covered path, and we both folded our umbrellas and shook off the clinging water.
“It wasn’t great.”
“…What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means it wasn’t very effective for my purpose.”
My purpose.
To have Yunagi-san get to know me more accurately through our date. And as a result, for her, who says she likes me, to come to her senses.
But the result was…
“Yunagi-san is as tough as ever. I’ll have to think of another plan.”
“…Hmm.”
Tsubaki snorted, a short sound.
Of course she wouldn’t be interested in my trivial problems.
Though when she ran into Yunagi-san and me at my house, she was furious, like a demon.
“…Aoto.”
“Hm.”
Suddenly sensing a tension in Tsubaki’s voice, I looked at her profile.
The corner of her thin lips trembled slightly, as if in hesitation.
“Are you… still afraid of love?”
Tsubaki didn’t look at me.
The roof ended, and we both opened our umbrellas again.
“Yeah, I am.”
To put it bluntly, I was definitely afraid.
But “still” isn’t the right word.
Because I’m sure I’ll never be able to overcome this feeling.
“…Is that why you won’t properly date Yunagi-san?”
“Of course.”
Otherwise, it wouldn’t be this much trouble.
“Are you not going to tell her? Um… Yunagi-san.”
“…I’ve thought about that, too. But… well, to put it simply, I’m running away. I don’t think she’d understand, either.”
Besides, Yunagi-san would probably be troubled if she heard it.
It has nothing to do with her, after all.
“Aoto.”
“What is it?”
We arrived at the station and folded our umbrellas again.
A train came right away, and we paused our conversation and boarded.
Before the train started moving, Tsubaki turned to me and said with downcast eyes.
“I’m sorry… for getting angry the other day.”
“…Ah, no, it’s fine.”
I can’t believe she was worried about it.
She’s as serious as ever.
“I think your reaction was normal, too. Though it was scary.”
“…Shut up.”
Tsubaki glared at me with less intensity than usual.
Her short hair danced with the sway of the train.
“…I’m on your side.”
Tsubaki suddenly murmured.
Her cheeks were red, and her gaze was averted.
“Even if something happens, this time… no, always, I’ll be on your side, Aoto. So, do your best.”
“That’s… hee-hee, very reassuring.”
An illogical statement, so unlike Tsubaki. But it made me happy.
If she’s on my side, then I’m certainly confident.
Well, I can’t let Tsubaki do anything wrong, so the responsibility is great.
“…Why are you laughing?”
“No. I was just thinking that you’re a good person, Tsubaki. Probably the best among my few friends.”
“…I’m not happy.”
“Oh, why not? That’s a compliment I could never hope for.”
“Shut up! I’m not happy! Idiot!”
Tsubaki slapped my shoulder and then turned away with a huff.
It didn’t hurt at all. For all her appearances, Tsubaki is kind to the core.
The train sways. Raindrops patter against the window.
Come to think of it, I haven’t sighed since I met Tsubaki.
Realizing that, I smiled secretly this time, so she wouldn’t see.
◆ ◆ ◆
Three weeks passed.
In that time, no major incidents occurred between me and Yunagi-san.
We didn’t go on any new dates, and no one found out about our relationship.
But there was one thing… no, two things that had definitely changed.
First, one.
Since our date at the amusement park, Yunagi-san had started clinging to me even more than before.
By clinging, I don’t mean she was physically close to me or touching me. …Well, there was a little of that, but.
Anyway, she came to see me frequently.
She showed up in our classroom every lunch break, and she often visited during the ten-minute breaks between classes.
She usually just talks to Shirato-san and gives me a quick, short smile before leaving, but even so, I never have a moment to relax.
The number of times she asked to meet after school increased, and last weekend, through Aina, she came over to my house for two days in a row.
At my house, Yunagi-san sometimes helps Aina with her studies, but she’s usually in my room.
And sometimes, she watches movies with me like before, or reads manga on her phone.
In this way, she was always by my side, to the point where the word “clingy” felt appropriate.
And for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to clearly reject her, and I had come to accept this situation.
Seeing that, she became even more emboldened and came even closer to me…
And so, for a while now, I had been living very restless days.
And second—
“Nii-san.”
Suddenly, there was a knock, and Aina peeked her head through the gap in the door.
As usual, she didn’t wait for my reply before opening the door, which I didn’t appreciate.
I closed the book I was reading and turned to face Aina.
“What?”
“Shizuno-san.”
“…Don’t tell me, Yunagi-san is coming over again?”
“No, she’s already here.”
“Hey.”
So it’s a post-facto report now.
And when did she get here?
“And I have to go out today.”
“Oh, with Yunagi-san?”
“No. Alone.”
“Eh. Then what’s Yunagi-san going to do?”
“So I brought her here.”
Aina said, and then slid her body to the side.
“Sakuraba-kun.”
The one who appeared was, of course, Yunagi-san, whose flamboyance knew no bounds today.
This orchestrated smoothness.
I feel like her methods are becoming more and more clever and forceful.
“Well then, I’m off. You two, take your time.”
“See you later, Aina-chan.”
“…Hah.”
I don’t even have the energy to protest anymore.
Leaving Yunagi-san, who had settled onto the cushion with a familiar air, I went down to the living room for now. I placed two cups of tea and some snacks on a tray and returned to my room.
It’s too late to turn her away now. For a while today, it will be just the two of us.
“Here you go.”
“Thanks! Sorry for dropping by so suddenly. I’ll be good.”
“…It’s fine. I was just about to watch a movie anyway.”
“Oh, then I’ll watch, too!”
Yunagi-san said with a smile, and then came right next to me where I was sitting and pressed her shoulder against mine.
I could feel her warmth and softness, and I couldn’t help but be aware of her.
“Hey, you’re too close.”
“Ehh, it’s fine, right? I came all this way.”
“It’s hot, and you’re cramped. There’s no benefit.”
“There’s a big benefit of being able to be close to you, Sakuraba-kun.”
“It seems your interpretation of benefit is different from mine.”
Ignoring my words, Yunagi-san continued to press against me.
Since she’ll just move closer again if I try to create distance, I decided to stay here where I have the best view of the TV.
“By the way, what’s the occasion today?”
I asked, but her answer was always pretty much the same.
“I wanted to see you, Sakuraba-kun!”
“…We see each other all the time.”
“I want to see you more!”
“I wish you’d consider my schedule, too.”
“Because you’ve been so kind lately, Sakuraba-kun. When I come over, you switch from your book to a movie. And you let me stay in your room, no matter what.”
“That’s… well, I just feel bad.”
“No. But I’m happy. Really. So I can’t help but… have some expectations.”
“…”
I couldn’t find the right words to reply, so I drank my tea as if to escape.
This isn’t good.
Accepting Yunagi-san’s advances and physical contact goes against my objective.
And as she herself said, my attitude like this will only give her more expectations.
I shouldn’t do things that go against my will.
That will lead to unhappiness, for me and, of course, for her.
—But.
“Hey… Sakuraba-kun.”
“…What is it?”
“Do you… still enjoy being alone and doing what you like more than being with me…?”
“…”
Her voice, which had been so lively a moment ago, now had a moist ring to it.
The second change that has been happening recently.
It’s me.
I really don’t know anymore.
How I feel about Yunagi-san.
Do I enjoy being alone more? I can’t even answer her simple question right away.
Yes. Of course, it’s yes.
And yet, I can’t say those simple words.
I was aware of it.
That I was becoming strange.
That’s why I was afraid every time I saw her.
For Yunagi-san to take a step forward, just like now.
Because if that happened, then I would surely—
“If… even if you still think you prefer being alone, Sakuraba-kun… even so. I’m so happy just to be with you like this sometimes.”
“…”
Stop it, Yunagi-san.
“I… I’m serious, you know?”
Don’t say anything more.
“I can endure a lot to become your girlfriend, Sakuraba-kun.”
You’re strange, Yunagi-san.
Just because we’re alone, you’re acting strange.
“So. I… I want to, this time for sure—”
“Yunagi-san.”
I said, cutting her off.
I couldn’t help it.
I was afraid to hear the rest.
If I heard it, then right now, I would surely… surely.
“…I want to watch a movie.”
“…Yeah.”
Without even choosing a movie properly, I pressed the play button on the remote.
The sound of the movie, the light, interfered with our conversation.
This might have been the first time I used a movie for a purpose other than watching it.
I don’t know what to do.
Right now, I’m just running away from the conflict between my resolve and my emotions.
Even after the movie ended, Aina still hadn’t come back.
According to a message I received on my phone, she would be late today.
“Did Aina say where she was going?”
“No, she didn’t tell me anything.”
Hmm, if Yunagi-san didn’t hear either, then she’s probably hiding it on purpose.
She probably thought she was being helpful, but this time, I have to say it was completely unnecessary.
But for now, the awkward atmosphere between us had, for the most part, subsided.
Well, that was also thanks to Yunagi-san, who was as bright as ever.
After that, we spent the rest of the time relaxing in my room.
She worked on her assignments, and I was engrossed in a novel.
The room is quiet. And that thing happened just now.
And yet, I felt strangely calm.
The tension in my heart and body had drained away, and I was able to relax.
I could even concentrate on my book.
If my relationship with Yunagi-san were to continue like this.
If it wasn’t as unmanageable as I had thought.
“…No.”
I dispelled the assumption that had popped into my head with a short sigh.
Dating is not that simple.
Even if it’s fine now, it will definitely start to invade my private life eventually.
I can’t stand that, and my way of thinking will surely be unbearable for her.
That’s why I can’t let myself be swayed.
Even if my feelings for her are changing.
“Sakuraba-kun!”
“Wha—! …What is it, all of a sudden?”
I was surprised… It seems I had zoned out without realizing it.
“Aren’t you hungry? It’s almost nighttime.”
“Ah, ah… well, I guess so.”
“Aina-chan doesn’t seem to be coming back, so shall I make dinner? If it’s okay for me to use the ingredients.”
Yunagi-san said with a carefree smile.
To be honest, it was a welcome offer.
I’m generally not a bad cook, but I don’t like it.
I can’t take my eyes off it while I’m cooking, and it takes a lot of time.
Since I’m not particularly picky about food, my motivation for cooking is quite low.
“But is it okay? You’re a guest.”
“Yeah! Can I eat with you, too?”
“Of course. Then, sorry, but I’ll take you up on that.”
For some reason, I felt like I was indulging Yunagi-san right after saying what I had, but it would also be rude to refuse her kindness.
We both went down to the living room together.
I once again took her up on her offer to “wait for me, Sakuraba-kun,” and decided to continue reading my book on the sofa.
As I turned the pages, I listened to the pleasant sounds of chopping and simmering for a while, and the smell that wafted over told me that Yunagi-san was making curry.
Eating someone else’s curry in my own home. It’s probably a rather rare experience.
“Here, sorry for the wait!”
“Ooh.”
The curry on the table looked, for some reason, more delicious and radiant than my mom’s.
She must have made it with what we had in the house, so why?
“Itadakimasu.”
“Please, enjoy. Itadakimasu.”
“…This is.”
I could tell from the first bite that Yunagi-san’s curry was exceptionally delicious.
It’s definitely different from my mom’s. I feel like it has more depth.
“Is there a secret ingredient or a trick to this?”
“Hee-hee, that’s a secret. If you became my husband, you’d know.”
“There you go again.”
As I ate, facing Yunagi-san, who was giggling happily, the clock struck seven, and it was dark outside.
“I’ll be home in about an hour.”
A message like that arrived from Aina, so Yunagi-san decided to leave around that time.
When I returned to the living room after clearing the dishes, Yunagi-san was sitting on the sofa, watching TV.
“Oh, welcome back, Sakuraba-kun.”
“Yeah. Thanks for dinner.”
“No, it was fun. And it felt like we were newlyweds, so my heart was pounding a little.”
Yunagi-san said, so I, who had just sat down next to her, felt a little uncomfortable again.
Even though I couldn’t answer, Yunagi-san didn’t seem to mind and was watching TV happily.
For a while after that, we didn’t say anything and just sat there silently, side-by-side.
The sound of the TV echoed lightly in the spacious living room.
As I read the quiz question displayed on the screen, I tried to recall the thoughts that had been interrupted earlier.
If my feelings for her are changing.
If so, then my way of thinking about romance… is it okay to leave it as it is?
What do I think?
And what does Yunagi-san think?
“…”
“…”
Suddenly, Yunagi-san’s hand rested on top of mine, which was on the sofa.
She intertwined her fingers with mine and squeezed with a weak force.
But she still faced forward, and I did the same.
I could feel my consciousness drift away from the TV, and my thoughts stop.
No, perhaps from the beginning, my attention had only been on her.
Neither of us say anything.
I just feel Yunagi-san’s warmth from her left hand, and her faint breaths.
Without knowing what her face looks like, what her eyes look like.
Why am I doing this now?
Why didn’t I shake her hand off again?
How did Yunagi-san and I end up like this?
“Your hand… is this okay?”
“…You’re the one who held it.”
Is it because I went on a date with her?
Is it because I learned more about her wonderful side there?
Or is it because I met her?
In any case, it’s my fault.
If I wasn’t such a twisted person. A foolish person.
If this mistake hadn’t happened, then we would have been separate, but surely happy in our own ways.
I understood.
I couldn’t deceive myself anymore.
I’m not cut out for romance. That is absolutely, without a doubt, true.
But not being cut out for romance and not falling in love with someone are two completely different things.
I can’t keep deceiving myself forever.
In other words, I lost.
I couldn’t run away until Yunagi-san gave up.
No… surely, in a battle like this, I never had a chance of winning in the first place.
The moment my opponent was Yunagi-san, my defeat was sealed.
And yet, I didn’t realize it, and it was my mistake to accept the challenge.
But—the problem is no longer that.
“…”
I have to face my feelings.
After facing them, I have to decide what to do next.
…But for me.
“Sakuraba-kun… I love you.”
“…”
“I love you, too.”
I don’t have the right, or the resolve, to say that.
Not yet, Yunagi-san.
In the end, Aina came home at around eight o’clock.
My mom and dad were also likely to be home soon, so before things got complicated, I decided to walk Yunagi-san home.
I used to hold back, but now I no longer had any resistance to walking around the neighborhood with her.
I know it’s not good, but I can’t change it.
“Well then, I’ll be back in a bit.”
“You don’t have to be back in a bit.”
“I’ll be back in a bit.”
After a completely meaningless exchange with Aina, I put on my shoes and left the house.
Yunagi-san, who was waiting in front of the entrance, turned to me with a smile.
The night, and Yunagi-san.
This combination was, as always, incredibly picturesque.
“Sorry for the wait.”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
She said in a cheerful voice, and then, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, she held out her right hand to me.
“What?”
The usual me would have surely said that.
But the me now just takes her hand in silence.
Yunagi-san smiled so happily it was as if she was overflowing.
I was now certain that a common understanding was being born between us.
“Thanks for today, Sakuraba-kun. It was fun.”
“No, thank you. I’m sorry I made you cook dinner.”
“Don’t worry about it. I made enough for your family, too, so please have some if you’d like.”
“Yeah. Thank you, really.”
It was a strange feeling.
Unreliable and Fluffy.
And yet, I felt as if my heart was being filled.
At the same time, I felt like I was starting to dislike myself more and more.
In the end, I can’t decide anything, I can’t take a step forward, I’m just accepting her in a half-hearted way.
And I’m so attracted to her that I can’t even reject her.
I’m aware of that, but I can’t face myself or Yunagi-san.
I’m really a hopeless person.
A hopeless, pathetic person.
“Sakuraba-kun?”
“What?”
“I want to go on another date. This time, I want to go to a movie theater.”
“…No, no dates.”
“Ehh.”
Even though I refused, Yunagi-san was happy.
I understood exactly what she was thinking, what she was feeling, as if I could read her like a book.
But surely, my feelings have been conveyed to her as well.
We continued to walk side-by-side, holding hands.
Yunagi-san would sometimes pull my hand playfully and bump it against her thigh.
Then our hands would return to the space between us, and they would just sway, her grip strengthening and weakening.
What should I do?
I’m not good at romance. And I hate it.
But even so, I’ve fallen in love with her like this.
And she likes me, too.
She says she wants to be with someone like me.
But surely, we can’t be happy together.
I’ve always thought so.
But is that really true?
Isn’t it just my own assumption?
Do I know enough about romance, about her, to be able to say that with such certainty?
Isn’t it okay not to make a judgment based on a single failure or trauma?
Isn’t it okay to try one more time?
Wouldn’t Yunagi-san be able to understand my feelings, my words?
With her, wouldn’t it be different this time?
—I think so.
I can’t believe it completely yet, but I can believe it about half way.
And the fact that I can think that is an amazing change for me.
Spending time with her, talking a lot, going on dates.
As I did so, I was changing, little by little, but enough for even me to notice.
“…Hah.”
But… not today.
It’s okay to take it slow.
No matter how many days, no, how many weeks, how many months it takes, I’ll face it properly. I’ll accept it.
And someday, before she gives up on me, if I can think of moving forward.
Then, for sure…
“Hey, Sakuraba-kun!”
At Yunagi-san’s voice, I suddenly came back to my senses.
The number of people around us was starting to increase, and I could see the station she would be getting on at a little ahead.
The sound of cars and the hustle and bustle of the crowd brought my consciousness back into focus.
I had been a little too sentimental, so this dose of reality was welcome.
“Today’s movie was interesting, wasn’t it? I actually cried a little.”
“Ah, that one. I liked it, too. I didn’t cry because you were next to me, though.”
“Ehh. It’s fine, you can cry.”
“No, it’s embarrassing.”
“Hee-hee. But movies are nice, aren’t they? And lately, I’ve been a little interested in novels, too. Seeing your bookshelf, Sakuraba-kun, I got curious.”
“…I see.”
Yunagi-san said she doesn’t read much.
It’s not that she dislikes it, but we live in a world with a lot of entertainment. There are plenty of interesting things on video sites, and even manga.
“Are you happier when you can talk about your hobbies?”
“Well… if our tastes in works match. People like that are rare.”
“…I see.”
“But I still prefer the time I spend watching movies and reading books by myself. More than talking to people. And… more than romance.”
“…I don’t want my hobby time to be encroached upon. That’s the reason I dislike romance… right?”
“Yeah. That’s right.”
More accurately, it’s the reason I’m not cut out for romance.
In my mind, the “reason I dislike it” and the “reason I’m not cut out for it” are clearly separate.
But even I had no intention of explaining that to Yunagi-san.
I didn’t think the difference between the two was important to anyone but me, and I didn’t want them to understand.
…And yet.
“Hey! Then I want to like the things you like, Sakuraba-kun! Teach me!”
The moment I heard her words, a voice echoed in the back of my mind.
—Because Sakuraba-kun said he liked it!
The first thing I felt was nausea.
A terribly bitter discomfort, a fear, that I had sealed away in the depths of my memory.
I was assaulted by a sensation of my mouth being filled with such things.
—It’s the thing my favorite person likes! I have to like it!
My head hurts. My vision blurs, and I feel terribly dizzy.
My footing becomes unsteady, and I feel like I’m about to crouch down.
“…Stop that.”
“Ehh. But it would be fun if we could have the same hobbies, Sakuraba-kun.”
“Just stop.”
“Because! I want to get closer to you, Sakuraba-kun, too—”
“I said stop!!”
I shouted without thinking.
I can feel Yunagi-san, next to me, catch her breath.
But I no longer had the luxury of worrying about that.
“Eh… um… but.”
Is this anger?
Or is it sadness?
My head was such a mess that I couldn’t even tell.
“Don’t ever… say that again.”
“…Sakuraba-kun?”
I stopped and took a deep, deep breath.
Then I slowly exhaled, desperately trying to send back the memories, the emotions, that were starting to resurface.
No. Don’t lose your cool.
Yunagi-san did nothing wrong.
This is my problem.
I’m just getting hurt, disappointed, and rejected on my own.
“…Sorry, I went too far.”
“Wh-What’s wrong? Are you okay? Your face—”
“It’s nothing. …But I’m going home now.”
“Eh, but… Sakuraba-kun!”
I shook off her hand and turned my back to her.
If I talked any more, I didn’t know what I would say.
“…Sorry. I don’t want to be with you anymore today. …Be careful on your way home.”
Before I even heard her reply, I quickly started walking.
I’m nothing but grateful that Yunagi-san didn’t chase after me or call out to me.
Let’s go home.
Go home, watch a movie I like, and sleep soundly.
I don’t know what will happen to me after that.
But right now, I just didn’t want to think about anything.
“…Damn it.”
No.
Romance is no good.
◆ ◆ ◆
After that, Hoshino-san and I continued to date.
But as time went on, my dissatisfaction and doubts grew larger and larger.
Even when I wanted to read a book, or watch a movie, an invitation from Hoshino-san was absolute.
It was certainly fun to go out with Hoshino-san, or to talk to her on the phone.
My heart would pound at her smile, her voice.
But when I was spending time with her after giving up what I had originally wanted to do, half of my heart was always occupied with books and movies.
I couldn’t concentrate even when we were talking.
I hated that, and I felt guilty toward her. But there was nothing I could do.
“Why doesn’t Hoshino-san want to watch movies?” or.
“Why does she get angry when I prioritize what I want to do?”
I thought about such things over and over.
Of course, I never voiced those questions to Hoshino-san.
The one time I did, I gave up, realizing that she wouldn’t understand.
And so, after about another month had passed.
I noticed something.
“What movie are we watching in the movie club today?”
“Eh… I don’t know. I forgot. But Sakuraba-kun! I want to go somewhere to hang out today.”
“Hang out…? What about the club?”
“It’s okay sometimes, right? Come on, let’s skip.”
“…”
In the end, we didn’t go to the movie club that day, and instead played at an arcade.
Hoshino-san seemed to be having a lot of fun and was very excited.
I was not having fun.
I wanted to go to the club as usual and watch a movie properly.
Is that not what she wanted?
“Hoshino-san, I’m not skipping next time. If you want to hang out, go by yourself.”
On the way home, when I said that, Hoshino-san looked completely surprised.
“Then there’s no point!”
All I could do was tilt my head at her words.
No point?
Why is there no point?
If you have something you want to do, and the person you invited isn’t interested, then you should just enjoy it to your heart’s content on your own.
At least, that’s what I would do without hesitation.
In fact, there are many things I prefer to do on my own.
And yet, why would she think there’s no point?
Thinking that far, it suddenly dawned on me.
For Hoshino-san, “I” was more important than movies or playing at the arcade.
Once that thought entered my mind, everything started to make sense.
And strangely, Hoshino-san seemed to think that I, too, prioritized “Hoshino-san” above all else, or that I should.
No, not just her, but many of the people around us, too.
Of course, I liked Hoshino-san.
Out of all the girls in the world, I definitely liked her the most.
But I valued my favorite things, and the time I spent on them, just as much, if not more, than that feeling.
And I thought Hoshino-san was the same.
Because we met through our favorite things, and became friends.
The common love for movies connected us.
But I didn’t like movies in order to become Hoshino-san’s boyfriend.
My love for what I like hasn’t changed, then or now.
Why did it become like this?
Why did the existence of “me” surpass “movies” for Hoshino-san?
But still, everyone said Hoshino-san was right.
They said I was cold. That I was a heartless person.
They said it so matter-of-factly that I thought maybe it was true.
But still, I thought maybe it wasn’t.
And so, about four months had passed since I started dating Hoshino-san.
By that time, I was already tired of dating her.
Because even though I liked her, Hoshino-san still wouldn’t allow me to prioritize things other than her.
If I couldn’t have both, I had to give up one.
In that case, my answer was decided.
So that day, too, I was thinking about how I could break up with her without hurting her.
During lunch break. I happened to be called to the teachers’ office, and I sat in a chair there, feeling uncomfortable.
Even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, being here made me feel like I was being scolded.
As I was fidgeting and waiting for the teacher to come, I suddenly heard a familiar voice, faintly.
There’s a study space in front of the teachers’ office, so it must be a student there.
“Yumin, listen to this.”
“Whoa, what’s up, Miu?”
There were two voices, and one was Hoshino-san’s.
I didn’t intend to eavesdrop.
But I didn’t feel like covering my ears to prevent it, either.
“Is it about your boyfriend again?”
“Yeah! Sakuraba-kun has been a little cold lately…”
Have I been cold?
But now that she mentions it, it’s true that my responses have probably become more curt than before.
Surprisingly, it seems the other person can tell.
“Sakuraba-kun loves books and movies so much, so maybe he didn’t like it when I asked him on too many dates…”
“Well, if you’re too clingy, he might get annoyed. He seems like the type who’s not good with that, Sakuraba-kun.”
“But don’t you think he could value our time together more? Hobbies can be done anytime.”
“Well, yeah. But if Sakuraba-kun doesn’t like it, then it can’t be helped.”
“Hmm… what should I do…”
It seems Hoshino-san was, in her own way, struggling with how to date me.
I feel a sense of guilt.
But once again, I thought that we were fundamentally different in our values.
“And I haven’t been able to study movies lately. I’m starting to have trouble keeping up with Sakuraba-kun’s conversation…”
“Ah. You were so desperate before you started dating, Miu. You watched so many movies.”
…Eh.
What… did she just say?
“Because Sakuraba-kun said he liked it! But thanks to that effort, we became friends. I’m so smart!”
“It’s true, it’s amazing that you can watch so many movies for love. I couldn’t do it.”
“Well, I don’t really have any hobbies, and I’m free, so.”
Desperate?
Thanks to that effort?
What is she talking about?
“But to be honest, I’m not really a fan. Movies are surprisingly boring. But it’s the thing my favorite person likes, so I have to like it!”
“…………Huh?”
After that, the teacher’s words didn’t register in my ears at all.
To put it simply, Hoshino-san had been acting.
She researched the movies I liked, watched them herself, and lied about liking them.
Even though she didn’t really like them, she had worked hard to study them to get my attention.
That time I loved, the fun time talking about movies I liked with Hoshino-san, was a result of her tear-jerking efforts.
I see, as a strategy for achieving love, it might be correct.
In fact, I was attracted to her, and we became a couple.
But then, what are movies to her?
And what are hobbies, what are favorite things?
We’re human, so we have romantic feelings. Of course.
We want to get along with the person we like. That’s a normal thing to think.
But I wouldn’t go so far as to deceive my own “love for things” for that.
I love movies more than anything, and they’re important to me.
And I thought she was the same.
It’s not that I was attracted to Hoshino-san because we had the same hobbies.
It’s just that the small miracle of liking the same things as her was unbearably happy for me.
And yet—
Is love more important?
Is love for things secondary to love for a person?
Is that normal?
I didn’t know anymore.
The next day, I broke up with Hoshino-san.
She asked for a reason, but I couldn’t say anything.
Surely, she’s not to blame.
The one to blame is me, who can’t prioritize romance seriously.
Hoshino-san deserves someone better.
Someone who can properly share her values, which are so different from mine.
I can’t.
I can’t have a romance like that.
“That’s what romance is.”
Naturally, that conclusion formed in my mind.
If that’s the case.
I’m not cut out for it.
I can’t do it.
But that’s fine.
I’ll live for my favorite things, the way I want to.
So just leave me alone.
In return, I’ll make sure not to get involved in love anymore.
This is the entirety of the boring incident I once experienced.
Post a Comment