Chapter Five: Doubt and Realization
Ten days had passed since the first study session.
In that time, we’d successfully held three more sessions, giving us a bit of breathing room.
Naturally, with this milestone behind us, my thoughts turned to the next steps.
“…So, with the study sessions wrapped up for now, I think it’s time we discuss the final speech,” I proposed to Nagi during lunch in an empty classroom, where we were eating together.
“Got any ideas, Nagi?”
“………………”
I asked, but Nagi didn’t respond, staring blankly into space.
Her bento was barely touched, and she seemed completely detached.
“Hey, Nagi-chan?” I waved a hand in front of her face.
She finally snapped out of it, turning to me with a start. “Huh? Oh, sorry, I wasn’t listening. Uh, what were we talking about?”
“The final speech. We need to start planning it.”
“Oh, yeah. Sounds good,” she replied halfheartedly, making me a little concerned.
“What’s wrong, Nagi? You tired?”
Come to think of it, she’d been like this on and off since the first study session. Maybe making a shy girl like her play teacher was too much.
“No, I’m fine! Just… getting nervous with the election so close,” she said, forcing a smile to project energy.
Her excuse was a bit dubious, but this was a critical moment. If I went easy on her now, she’d be the one to suffer later. Time to push forward.
“Alright, let’s keep going then. So, do you want to write the final speech?”
The final speech is delivered on voting day, right before the ballots are cast, in front of the entire school. It’s usually given by the candidate or their recommender, but typically, it’s the candidate.
“Nah, I’m no good with writing. I’ll leave it to you, Kurusu-kun,” Nagi said modestly.
I tilted my head. “Really? Didn’t you write lyrics for a bunch of songs? Those super unique lyrics were a big deal. You could probably pull it off.”
“Stop! Don’t call that hellish poem full of chuuni buzzwords and ruby text ‘writing talent’!” Nagi clutched her chest, wincing in agony.
Yeah, if I don’t write it, we’ll probably miss the deadline. “Alright, I’ll handle it then.”
“Ugh… Why did I think it was a good idea to hold a ‘who can add the most eccentric ruby text’ contest?” Nagi muttered, lost in her traumatic memories, ignoring my response.
No choice. Time to change the subject.
“Oh, by the way, the red-line students are mostly in the clear now, so the next study session will probably be the last if things keep going smoothly.”
At that, Nagi’s awareness seemed to return to reality, and she sighed in relief. “Oh, good. I was worried about playing teacher, but I’m glad it’s ending well.”
Honestly, for someone so shy, Nagi did great. She’d rub her stomach nervously before each session, but once it started, she taught the students earnestly, likely boosting her likability.
“So, I was thinking we’d celebrate with a karaoke party after the final session.”
Nagi’s face clouded with unease. “…The election’s still coming up. Is it okay to be messing around like that?”
I understood her concern, but I wasn’t suggesting this just for fun.
“Yeah, it’s a celebration, but it’s also for votes. We’ll use the party to win back anyone leaning toward Mutsu-senpai.”
The students who were taught by Mutsu-senpai and had less contact with Nagi—we’d focus on them. If we could sway even half, it’d be a win.
“I get that, but… karaoke?” Nagi’s reluctance was obvious.
Well, it’s a direct hit to her trauma, so I expected this reaction.
“Can’t be helped. There’s no other place where we can let loose on a budget. If we make a scene in a public space and someone complains to the school, we’re done for.”
“Ugh… true,” Nagi nodded, her face tense.
With students who’ve been grinding through tough assignments for ten days, the pent-up energy they’d release needed a private space to avoid bothering others.
“But if it’s a study session celebration, we’d have to invite Mutsu-senpai too, right? Won’t that just balance out the support?”
Still hesitant about karaoke, she now questioned the celebration itself.
But I was prepared for this. “No problem. I already invited Mutsu-senpai for a date on the day of the final session, and she turned me down, saying her schedule’s full. There’s no way she’d show up to a celebration I’m at after that.”
I smirked, proud of my successful strategy, but Nagi gave me a sour look instead of praise.
“…What were you going to do if she’d said yes to the date?”
“I’d be thrilled, so it wouldn’t matter if the plan failed.”
“That’s a huge problem!” she snapped.
Despite the strategy working, my approval rating somehow dropped.
As the lunch break chime rang, I parted ways with Kurusu-kun for cleaning duty.
“Ha…” I sighed for the umpteenth time that day, sweeping the hallway while my mind drifted back to the same moment.
—I overheard it.
After the first study session, when I went to return the audiovisual room key to the staff room.
Knowing Kurusu-kun and Mutsu-senpai were alone together made me restless, my chest heavy with unease. I rushed back after returning the key, running through the empty hallway at a breathless pace. When I reached the shoe lockers, I heard it.
“You said before, didn’t you? That besides making Nanasya-chan win, you have a purpose of your own.”
“…I did say something like that.”
—It hit me like a wave of dizziness.
My racing breath stopped, and my heated body went cold.
What did that mean? Wasn’t he helping me for my sake? What’s his purpose? Why didn’t he tell me? Why did he tell Mutsu-senpai?
Questions flooded my mind like a dam bursting.
In the midst of that chaos, one possibility I’d been feeling all along grew louder.
—Was he trying to turn me back into Mea?
The moment that thought crossed my mind, the questions began to converge into a single answer.
If I lose the election, I’d have no choice but to return to being Mea.
That would fulfill Kurusu-kun’s purpose.
Even if I win, I’d probably end up as Mea again.
Every effort I make to win the election brings me closer to her.
As long as Kurusu-kun is steering me that way.
“…No, I’m overthinking it,” I muttered, shaking my head to banish the suspicion.
I know Kurusu-kun’s playing a complex game with Mutsu-senpai. That line could just be part of it.
And even if my suspicion is true—I don’t have the option to let go of him now.
“…It’s fine. I won’t go back.”
Kurusu-kun might scheme indirectly, but he wouldn’t force me.
If I refuse with firm resolve, that should be enough.
…But.
—If even Kurusu-kun thinks Mea is better, is it really right for me to refuse to go back?
That doubt settled deep in my heart.
Four days later.
The final study session ended smoothly, and as Kurusu-kun suggested, we held a karaoke celebration.
“Uh, um, thanks for all your hard work at the study sessions. Let’s all pass the next test without needing remedial classes. Cheers!”
“““Cheers!”””
Under my reluctant toast, the twenty classmates packed into the large karaoke room began to liven up.
Sighing in relief, I was approached by Tsumugi, who sat next to me.
“Good work, Nagi-chan. Sorry I couldn’t help much until now,” she said, looking apologetic.
She’d barely been involved since the second study session.
“No, you helped with the toughest parts, and that was more than enough. Thanks,” I replied.
I knew she was busy with contest prep, and her organizing this celebration was already a huge help.
“You’re welcome. The contest prep’s done now, so I can help more from here on. If you need anything, just let me know!”
“Thanks. That’s reassuring,” I said, genuinely grateful as she puffed out her chest confidently.
“But with Reo-kun around, you’re probably fine, right?” Tsumugi added, her words brimming with trust in Kurusu-kun.
That trust made me feel oddly guilty, given my doubts about him. “Yeah…” I nodded vaguely.
Tsumugi tilted her head but didn’t press, glancing at the table where Kurusu-kun was.
“You guys are drinking too fast! Are you sponges? Go get your own refills!” Kurusu-kun was being hounded by some guys from the study sessions.
“Come on, Kurusu, pamper us after our battle! I’ll take a cola.”
“Please, I can’t move another step. Orange juice for me.”
“I’m more tired from organizing… Fine, whatever,” Kurusu-kun sighed, heading to the drink bar for the exhausted guys.
“I’ll have a milk tea!” a girl called out, spotting him stand.
“Melon soda for me.”
“And soft serve, please!”
Orders flew from the girls who’d noticed him.
“Haha, I’ll help, Reo-kun,” Tsumugi said, waving and heading over with a grin.
“Thanks. Looks like you’re the only one who hasn’t lost their humanity,” Kurusu-kun replied.
“Haha, that’s because I’m a saint putting up with poor, unpopular Reo-kun?”
“…Nope, you’ve lost your humanity too.”
They bantered lightly as they left the karaoke room.
I watched them absentmindedly until the girls who’d ordered drinks approached me.
“Hey, Committee Chair, can we ask you something?” said Iijima-san, with her sleek blonde hair, polished makeup, and casually disheveled uniform—a classic gyaru vibe.
“W-What?” I tensed up instantly.
“Are Kurusu-kun and Tsumugi-chan dating?”
“…Huh?” The unexpected question blew my tension away.
Dating? Those two?
“I heard Kurusu-kun was totally hitting on Tsumugi-chan in the old school building.”
The old school building… hitting on her… Oh, I see.
The sewing club incident must’ve leaked and turned into a weird rumor.
Relieved, I sighed. “That’s—”
“They’ve been together all the time since we started school,” Iijima-san continued.
“…………”
“Kurusu-kun’s so laid-back, and Tsumugi-chan’s the caretaker type. They’re perfect.”
“…………”
“When Tsumugi-chan gets hyped and goes wild, Kurusu-kun reins her in.”
“…………”
“And now they’re helping with your campaign together, right? So, what’s the deal?”
…I had no idea people saw them that way.
I avoided Kurusu-kun before my identity was revealed, so I never heard these rumors. Plus, being shy and preoccupied with the election, I’ve barely talked to anyone outside communicative girls like Tsumugi or Iijima-san.
But thinking about it, they do seem well-matched.
Tsumugi, the sewing club’s ace, makes and wears clothes. Kurusu-kun’s great at photographing, suggesting outfits, and picking locations.
They’re practically perfect together.
Looking at it objectively, they’re close to what “The Nightmare of Calamity” and her ally once were—or could be.
If Kurusu-kun got tired of a boring girl like me and started something with Tsumugi like back then—
“…………!” The thought made my chest tighten.
I know it’s in the past, and I’m the one who abandoned that life.
But imagining Kurusu-kun replacing Mea with someone else—I couldn’t stand it.
“Hey, Committee Chair?” Iijima-san’s voice snapped me back.
“Oh… sorry, I’ve never heard about them dating, so I was surprised,” I said, forcing a smile to keep things smooth.
“Oh, right. You’re super serious, so you probably don’t get into that stuff,” Iijima-san said, dropping the topic as we wrapped up the conversation.
“…I’m gonna hit the bathroom,” I said, needing to clear my head.
The cool hallway air calmed me down.
“What am I doing?” I sighed, frustrated at my own instability.
When I was Mea, other people’s actions rarely shook me.
Am I pathetic for fretting over small things now, or just more human?
As I walked, lost in thought, I overheard voices.
“…So that’s how it’s going.”
“Got it. Then we should…”
Kurusu-kun and Tsumugi were talking by the drink bar.
Their friendly vibe stirred that uneasy feeling again.
Come to think of it, they were friends long before I reconnected with him. While I was too timid to approach, they must’ve built something solid.
A sudden thought hit me.
What if Kurusu-kun’s purpose was to get closer to Tsumugi? What if he’s helping with the election just to get to her, and I’m irrelevant?
“Hey… need help, you two?” I blurted out, unable to stand the thought.
I immediately worried I’d be seen as a nuisance.
But after a tense moment, they exchanged glances and grinned mischievously.
“Perfect timing, Nagi-chan,” Tsumugi said.
“We just came up with a great idea,” Kurusu-kun added.
…This feels bad.
A few minutes later.
After bringing the drinks back, I was back in the lively karaoke room, where Kurusu-kun discreetly handed me a microphone.
“Why did this happen…?” I muttered, my trembling hands slick with cold sweat.
The microphone, which felt so light during my Budokan performance, now weighed like a dumbbell.
“Alright, folks! Our Committee Chair, who’s secretly a karaoke pro, will perform a spot-on impersonation! The song is ‘The Nightmare of Calamity’s’ ‘Black Wings Enshroud the World’!” Kurusu-kun announced, and the familiar intro blared through the room.
How did it come to this? My mind flashed back to the hallway conversation.
“Your serious Committee Chair image got even more intense with the study sessions. We need something relatable to break the ice.”
Kurusu-kun’s smiling suggestion made sense. I know I’m not approachable, and I want to fix that.
—But an impersonation? Of “The Nightmare of Calamity,” no less?
As I hesitated, the intro ended, and conditioned reflexes from old lessons kicked in, my voice spilling out.
“When the world is dyed in twilight—”
The room erupted in awe at my hyper-accurate impersonation. Well, it’s just me being myself.
“Wow, Committee Chair, that’s amazing! It’s so spot-on!”
“And you’re just straight-up good at singing! Are you a karaoke pro or what?”
While I panicked internally, the crowd’s excitement surged.
It was a scene I’d seen countless times at concerts and TV appearances.
Finishing the final chorus to thunderous applause, I gave a shy bow. “Th-Thank you.”
Sitting back on the sofa, mental exhaustion hit me like a wave.
If I weren’t in public, I’d be clutching my head and rolling around. What was with that cringey song?! My signature song, really?! Who wrote those lyrics?! Oh, right, me!
“Committee Chair! That was insane! How do you do it? Any tips?”
“It was literally Mea-chan!”
As I sank into mental fatigue, some girls from my class approached, buzzing with excitement.
“Th-Thanks… I guess our voices are similar,” I said, my face stiff. Same voice, technically.
“Got it! That’s such a cool hidden talent. And you’re so good! What other songs do you like?” Kagawa-san asked, her semi-long brown hair swaying.
“Uh, I listen to most popular stuff,” I said. My idol days left me with a habit of checking out rivals, which I still do.
“Oh, do you know this one? I’m obsessed right now,” Koizumi-san, wearing glasses, showed me a song on the karaoke panel.
It was trending on video sites. I’d heard it. “Yeah, it’s great. I like it too.”
Chatting casually with classmates felt like the normal high school life I’d always wanted. I was a little moved.
This was the school life I dreamed of…!
That it came from impersonating Mea (aka myself) was complicated, but I was thrilled.
“My turn! I’m singing next!”
“Leave the tambourine to me!”
Kagawa-san and Koizumi-san grabbed the mic and tambourine, leaving the sofa.
Kurusu-kun slid in beside me. “Nice job. That was scarily like Mea. Are you a pro impersonator?”
He set an orange juice in front of me, and I silently poked his side.
“Don’t be mad. I was helping you make friends,” he said, trying to placate me.
I glared at him. “Really? Felt like you were half doing it for laughs.”
“Come on, no way,” he said, frowning as if offended.
Maybe I was too harsh, considering he did it for me. “R-Right. Even you wouldn’t go that far.”
“Yeah. At most, it was like seventy-five percent for laughs.”
“A twenty-five percent markup?!” I exclaimed. That was worse than I thought.
“Kidding. It was a final check to see if you could handle being in front of people. I didn’t expect that level of performance, though.”
“I was drilled for my debut. Especially singing and dancing—they made sure I could do them perfectly, no matter my mental state.”
Concerts are unpredictable. Too many fans can overwhelm you; too few can break you. Performing for big names or producers? Your mood can’t affect your output. So, singing and dancing were drilled into me as reflexes.
I never thought those reflexes would still work in my shy state.
“…………”
Or maybe… this means I’m turning back into Mea?
Maybe that’s why I could perform like that again.
“Impressive. The fruits of your effort. Thanks to that, it went better than expected,” Kurusu-kun said, pleased with his plan’s success.
Having my biggest trauma poked at, I felt I deserved to complain a bit more.
“…Wasn’t there a less extreme way?”
“Nope. I heard from Miyahara that a lot of the girls here love Mea’s songs. Plus, talking about manga or music is the fastest way to bond with strangers. I learned that from all my transfers.”
His words carried the weight of his past struggles.
“…Right, you were a transfer kid,” I said.
“Yeah. Being a nomad makes you good at this stuff. I’ve picked up all sorts of tricks,” he said, shrugging with a hint of irony.
His words reminded me of the day we met.
“For all your skills, you didn’t build very strong bonds,” I teased with a smile.
He faltered, as if I’d hit a nerve. “Ugh… We agreed not to bring that up. But it’s true—it’s a good icebreaker.”
He added, “And it’s not like I only made shallow bonds. I met you, after all.”
His straightforward smile left me speechless.
“…Don’t just say stuff like that, idiot,” I muttered, my face burning as I chugged my orange juice to cool down.
Too embarrassed to look up, I heard a voice from across the room.
“Hey, Kurusu-kun! Flirting with Committee Chair like that—won’t Tsumugi-chan get jealous?” Iijima-san called, still hung up on the dating rumor, probing with a teasing tone.
I glanced at Kurusu-kun, wondering how he’d respond, half-expecting a pleased look.
Instead, he grinned wickedly.
My second bad feeling of the day.
“No problem! Nagi-chan’s my real pick!” he declared, throwing an arm around my shoulder.
The girls erupted in excitement.
As expected, my bad feeling was spot-on!
“Seriously?! Committee Chair, you didn’t drop a single hint earlier!”
“Alright, Committee Chair, spill the details!”
The girls swarmed me with a piranha-like aura.
This wasn’t going away without a proper explanation.
“Haha, nice. Unlike me, you’re building some deep bonds,” Kurusu-kun said.
“Ugh… I’ll hold this against you, Kurusu-kun,” I grumbled, defeated by his perfect counter, as I faced the piranha swarm.
The karaoke celebration ended on a high note.
I’d worried the excitement might cause trouble, but everyone behaved, and aside from my mental damage from the Mea impersonation and getting mobbed over dating rumors, nothing went wrong. Wait, am I the only one suffering?
“See ya! Catch you at school tomorrow!” Tsumugi called, dashing toward the station, signaling everyone to head home.
“Nagi, I’ll walk you,” Kurusu-kun offered naturally, since we take the same train.
“Thanks,” I said, a bit shy but genuinely happy to accept.
It was June, but the evening was pleasantly cool.
Bathed in the gentle night breeze, we walked in silence.
It wasn’t awkward or stifling.
Just having him beside me felt fulfilling, and I didn’t feel the need to force conversation.
I hoped he felt the same. Glancing at him, our eyes met, and we both chuckled.
“Today went well, huh?” he said, breaking the silence.
“Yeah. A lot happened, but I’m glad I came.”
Kagawa-san and Koizumi-san invited me to karaoke again, and I exchanged contacts with Iijima-san. I made connections I could grow closer to.
“And I got to hear you sing again,” Kurusu-kun said, satisfied.
His words stirred complex feelings in me.
—Is he happy because I’m getting closer to Mea? Does he want me to go back?
Maybe if I asked now, he’d tell me.
But if he said yes, what would I do?
Would I get mad and push him away?
Or keep working with him as a teammate?
Or… would I accept going back to Mea?
I hated that life, yet the option felt natural.
If Kurusu-kun wanted that version of me, I’d want to be her.
No—I’m scared his feelings would drift away if I don’t.
I can’t pretend anymore.
He accepted me when others judged me, joined in my foolishness, and made me happy.
Being an idol was tough, but knowing he was watching pushed me to shine brighter.
Now, carrying my dark past, he’s my emotional anchor.
I feel pain when he looks at other girls, joy when he looks at me.
With him, my emotions swing more than with anyone else.
In short, I’m in love with Kurusu-kun.
The moment I admitted it, the stubbornness and embarrassment I’d clung to snapped like a taut string.
A rush of warmth filled my heart, freeing me from something painful, yet terrifying, as if something uncontrollable had awakened inside me.
Both sensations swirled, drowning my reason in a wave of emotion.
“…Hey, hold my hand.”
The words slipped out almost unconsciously.
Kurusu-kun’s eyes widened in surprise before he gently took my hand.
“What’s this? Feeling clingy all of a sudden?” he teased, his sidelong glance and the warmth of his hand enveloping mine making my heart race.
“…I worked hard today. I think I deserve a little pampering,” I said, my head spinning with silly thoughts about whether he could feel my pulse through our hands.
“Fair enough. Gotta spoil you a bit,” he said, accepting my excuse and squeezing my hand lightly.
“How about I carry you home princess-style?”
“That’s not pampering, that’s a punishment!” I shot back, but I didn’t let go of his hand.
I still have so many unsorted feelings.
Questions I need to ask.
But for now, I just want to bask in the warmth of our joined hands.
—
Falling in love, I realized for the first time, means losing yourself like this.
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