Chapter 4: Chronostasis

"Koharu-sensei... What are you doing here?"

Seeing Koharu-sensei standing in front of the room, I had to ask.

"I came to check on you."

That was Koharu-sensei's answer.

"You live alone, Enoki-kun. I thought it would be bad if something happened. I even bought some drinks and fruit to drop off for you."

"Here," she said, holding up a hand that had a bulging plastic grocery bag hanging from it.

"But you didn't answer when I rang the doorbell. I was worried you might have collapsed inside. Then you came out of the next room, which gave me a shock."

Koharu-sensei then questioned me.

"Your room is 203, isn't it, Enoki-kun? And who is this person? Didn't you say you were feeling unwell today?"

"..."

This was bad. I never thought she'd come all the way to my home. On top of that, she'd witnessed me coming out of the apartment with Rui-san.

I had reported that I was feeling unwell, but there was no trace of that in my current appearance. I was the picture of health. My complexion was excellent.

"I'm the resident of Room 204. Yuito-kun and I are neighbors," Rui-san introduced herself.

"Ah, well, it's a pleasure. I'm Akasaka Koharu, Enoki-kun's homeroom teacher," Koharu-sensei said with a small bow.

"...Um, forgive me for asking, but are you and Enoki-kun close?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because you called him 'Yuito-kun' so familiarly."

"Let's see. I'd say Yuito-kun and I get along very, very well," Rui-san said, a meaningful smile on her lips.

Perhaps sensing something unsettling in her tone and atmosphere, Koharu-sensei's expression clouded over. She quickly plastered a bright look back on her face and asked me,

"Could it be... that your neighbor was nursing you back to health? And now that you've recovered, you were just on your way back to your own room?"

She was interpreting things in a way that was convenient for me.

Unintentionally, she had thrown me a lifeline.

Saved.

All I had to do was nod, climb aboard her lifeline, and everything would be resolved smoothly. I could get through this situation without any trouble. That's what I thought, right up until that moment.

"We were watching a movie together."

Rui-san's words dropped into the air.

"We've been watching movies together since this morning. Snuggled up close to each other. We watched so many. Isn't that right, Yuito-kun?"

Rui-san smiled as she sought my agreement.

It was a statement filled with pure, confident malice.

A single sentence that smashed the lifeline I was about to grab into smithereens.

Koharu-sensei was speechless.

So was I.

What is she saying all of a sudden? I couldn't understand what Rui-san was thinking. It was as if she was deliberately trying to corner me.

In any case, there was no way to smooth this over now.

"...I'm sorry. Saying I was unwell was a lie."

I decided to be honest.

"I made it up to skip the field trip."

"...I, I see. So that's what it was."

Koharu-sensei seemed somewhat dazed. Perhaps the aftershock of Rui-san's words still lingered. She seemed unable to properly express her emotions.

"Uhm, you know, can I ask why, by any chance?"

"Eh?"

"Why did you skip the field trip?"

"That's..."

"Because it was boring," Rui-san answered in my place. "For Yuito-kun, watching movies with me was more fun than going on the field trip. That's all there is to it. Right?"

It was just as she said.

Going on the field trip, or skipping it to watch movies with Rui-san. I had weighed the two and chosen to skip and watch movies.

There was no doubt about that.

But I hesitated to state it so clearly in front of Koharu-sensei.

"...Excuse me. Who exactly are you?" Koharu-sensei asked, clearly irritated. She was openly showing her displeasure toward Rui-san.

"Just a neighbor," Rui-san answered nonchalantly.

"For a neighbor, I think you've been a little too forward since a moment ago."

"And you haven't?"

"I'm Enoki-kun's homeroom teacher."

"For a homeroom teacher to come all the way to a student's home is more than enough meddling."

Koharu-sensei and Rui-san's eyes met.

A small animal baring its teeth in a threat, and a large snake flicking its tongue out as it observed the situation. That image suddenly crossed my mind.

I thought it was strange. Koharu-sensei was supposed to be older than Rui-san.

After a brief staring contest, Koharu-sensei broke off her battle stance against Rui-san. She averted her gaze and spoke to me with a mix of exasperation.

"...Skipping isn't something to be praised, but I'm glad you weren't actually sick. I was worried you might have collapsed in your room."

With that, she handed me the grocery bag.

"Here, I brought this for you."

"But I'm not sick."

"I already bought it. It's too heavy to carry back. And it's not like having extra electrolyte drinks and fruit is a bad thing, right?"

"Well then, I'm sorry. I'll take it."

I gratefully accepted it.

"I can let the skipping slide, just this once," Koharu-sensei said. "But don't say you're sick when you're not anymore. You'll make me worry."

"What should I say then?"

"Think of something yourself."

"Something like a death in the family?"

"Even if it's a lie, it's not right to involve your relatives."

"How about 'I felt like seeing the sea, so I'm taking the day off'?"

"Poetic, but not a valid reason to be absent."

"Then what about just, 'I want to skip, so I'm skipping'?"

"If you have the guts to say that, I'll approve it."

After saying that, Koharu-sensei suddenly revealed her true feelings, murmuring, "It's one thing to skip, but being lied to just plain hurts."

For just a moment, her expression seemed sad. Or maybe I imagined it. Seeing it made my chest tighten.

"Well then. Take care," Koharu-sensei said, leaving behind words that could have been sarcasm or a joke, and descended the old, rust-stained stairs.

After finishing her duties as a field trip chaperone, she had gone out of her way to stop by my home. Going so far as to buy me things with what was surely not a high salary.

Thinking about that, I felt a pang of guilt.

"That's her, isn't it?"

Rui-san asked me.

"The teacher you eat lunch with behind the special building."

"Yes."

"Hmmmm..." Rui-san murmured, before adding, "She's a cute person."

"By the way, why did you say something like that?"

"Something like what?"

"Koharu-sensei was on the verge of misunderstanding that I was being nursed by you. Why did you go out of your way to reveal the truth?"

"Because lying is a bad thing."

"You definitely don't believe that, do you?"

"Fufu. That's not true. It's always best for people to be honest."

Rui-san said that, then added, "Besides..."

"If everything ended without any trouble, it would be boring, wouldn't it?"

"That's definitely your real reason, isn't it?"

"Yuito-kun skipped the field trip to spend the whole day watching movies with me. I wanted to see what kind of face that teacher would make when she heard that."

"You really do have a nasty personality."

"I just happen to dislike school teachers," Rui-san said in a light tone.

There was a certain cheerfulness to it, without a hint of weight or humidity.

"But your flustered state was quite good, Yuito-kun. It was a sight to see," Rui-san informed me cheerfully.

There were a lot of things I wanted to say.

But seeing how happy she looked, it all stopped mattering.

Being a puppet dancing in the palm of Rui-san's hand wasn't so bad. That's how captivating her expression was in that moment.

◆◆◆

The Monday after the field trip day, I felt a sense of unease as soon as I got to school.

The atmosphere in the class had changed.

Before, it had lacked cohesion, but it was as if the event of the field trip had given it a sense of unity. It felt like everyone was getting along better.

It was clearly different from before the field trip. They now shared a sense of solidarity as a community. I didn't know if they were conscious of it themselves.

By spending time together, by sharing memories, they had become a pack.

And within that pack, I was the only one who felt a sense of alienation.

It was only natural. I hadn't participated in the field trip.

On the day of the ritual that would make them a community, I had skipped to watch movies at home.

I'd had a vague premonition, but now I felt a fatal sense of separation. I had been completely cast out from the circle of the class.

But I was already an outcast in class to begin with.

I had no friends, so nothing had changed──.

Except that wasn't true.

Take P.E. class, for example.

Before, when we were told to form pairs, I had someone to pair up with. Not a friend. He just didn't have anyone else to pair with, just like me.

That had changed.

Sometime after the day of the field trip, it seemed that student had made what you could call friends.

When the P.E. teacher called out, "Get into pairs," he walked over to his pair of—presumably—friends, and they became a group of three.

"Hey, Enoki is left over. Someone pair up with Enoki."

The P.E. teacher said, looking troubled. The three students looked at each other. The student who used to pair with me looked uncomfortable.

But he didn't move.

"Fine. You'll be with me, then," the teacher said.

I ended up pairing with the teacher.

The student I used to pair with glanced my way. In his apologetic expression, a faint hint of superiority was mixed in.

After that, we played a soccer match, but I never once touched the ball. No one tried to pass to me. I just watched the exciting game from a distance.

It wasn't like I was being deliberately ignored. It was just natural. It was just that, in everyone's minds, my existence didn't even register.

During lunch break, I skipped lunch and headed to the library.

I had stopped going behind the special building.

If I went there, there was a chance I'd run into Koharu-sensei. After what had happened the other day, it felt a little awkward to face her.

I picked out a book and took a seat, trying to immerse myself in the world of the story.

But I couldn't.

The voices of a boy and girl sitting at a nearby table were a distraction. They had notebooks open on the desk, but they didn't seem to be studying. They were keeping their voices down, as it was a library. But even though they were whispering, I could hear them clearly. Mixed with laughter.

I stood up, went to the front desk, and checked out the book. Holding the borrowed book, I looked for somewhere, anywhere, without people.

I wanted to go somewhere no one was. No matter how poor the environment. If I could just be alone, that would be enough.

But I couldn't find a place.

There were students in the classrooms, in the courtyard, behind the gym, and on the sports field. No matter where I went, I couldn't be alone.

Only the area behind the special building was a place where my heart could be at peace.

But now, that place was gone too.

Nowhere in this school was there a place for me.

After school, when my shift at the convenience store started, the manager called me over before I began my work. In the back room, he said this to me.

"Enoki-kun, I hear you gave your contact info to a female customer?"

The manager was a man in his late thirties.

He had hairy arms, a stout build, and a noticeable five-o'clock shadow. He was always passionately talking to the part-time staff about his mutual fund investments.

The manager was sitting in the chair in front of the back-room computer. Sitting down, he looked up at me as I stood beside him, a look of exasperation on his face.

Even though he was looking up, I felt like he was looking down on me.

"That's a problem, you know. You see it on social media sometimes, right? Delivery guys giving their contact info to female customers. What are we going to do if it blows up?"

"Um, what are you talking about?"

When he first said that, my initial reaction was confusion. I had no memory of doing such a thing. What on earth is he talking about?

"I heard. From Sakurada-kun. He said you secretly gave your contact info to a female customer who always comes to the convenience store to buy cigarettes."

A female customer who always comes to the convenience store to buy cigarettes. It had to be Rui-san, I thought. There was no one else who fit that description.

Me giving Rui-san my contact info? Impossible. This was a completely false accusation. I already had Rui-san's contact info.

"I didn't do anything like that."

So, I denied it clearly.

"You can check the security cameras. I never gave her my contact info. Sakurada-san is making it up."

The manager gave a bitter smile.

"Making it up... isn't that a bit of a harsh way to put it? That makes it sound like Sakurada-kun did it to slander you."

Sakurada—no, Sake-bag—knew that Rui-san and I were neighbors.

He knew because I'd told him when we met at the university before.

Knowing that, Sake-bag framed me. He tattled to the manager. That's not something you do unless you have clear malicious intent.

"Besides, there's no reason for Sakurada-kun to do something like that."

There was a reason. The other day, when I ran into Sake-bag at the university, Rui-san had declared right in front of him, who was interested in her, that...

'Yuito-kun is an interesting person. At least, far more so than you.'

Sake-bag had looked down on me. Despite that, she'd said that to him. It wouldn't be strange for him to harbor some resentment toward me.

"'Sup."

Sake-bag, who had just come in for his shift, poked his head into the back room. Seeing me and the manager talking, he stuck his nose in.

"What's up?"

"It's about that thing from the other day. The contact info."

"Oh, that."

"I didn't do it."

I told Sake-bag to his face.

"I didn't give her my contact info. I would never do something like that. If you're saying I did, then tell me exactly when. I'll have them check the security camera footage."

"Security cameras? That's a bit dramatic," the manager laughed.

"It's not dramatic. I'm being falsely accused here."

"Enocchi, don't look so scary."

Sake-bag said with a wry smile.

"It's fine, okay? My bad. Now that you mention it, maybe I was mistaken."

"Well, since Sakurada-kun is saying so," the manager said, trying to mediate. He probably just couldn't be bothered to check the security camera footage.

Just when it seemed the matter was settling down, albeit awkwardly, the manager suddenly said,

"But you shouldn't do things that make people suspicious, Enoki-kun."

"Huh?"

I couldn't help but ask again.

"Wait a minute. Why is it suddenly my fault too?"

"It's not your fault. Not your fault. But the fact that Sakurada-kun misunderstood means there was something suspicious about your behavior, right?"

"No, that's. Isn't that strange? I'm not the one at fault here. There's a possibility that Sakurada-san lied to slander me."

"Don't go blaming the manager. When something happens, the responsibility falls on him. If you're going to blame someone, blame me."

Somehow, the atmosphere had shifted to make me seem like the childish one.

Perhaps triggered by this incident, I started to feel out of place at my part-time job as well.

I wasn't exactly friends with the other part-timers, but when our shifts overlapped, we would at least exchange greetings and light chatter.

But after this incident, everyone started to avoid me somehow.

I found out later that the story had been twisted and spread around that I had been reprimanded for the contact info incident and had blown up at the manager and Sake-bag.

Maybe Sake-bag did it, or maybe the story just grew legs.

In any case, the atmosphere was terrible.

During one shift, the store was empty of customers, and it was just the two of us at the register. Suddenly, Sake-bag broke the silence and asked,

"Hey, Enocchi. Do you hate me now?"

I didn't know what his intention was with those words. Whether he was feeling a belated sense of guilt, or if he was just purely spouting malice at me.

Either way, it was the same.

"...No. Not really."

It's not that Sake-bag was special. It was the same at school and at my part-time job. In the end, I couldn't fit in and was cast out from the herd. Sooner or later. It was something I already knew.

Besides, Sake-bag was mistaken.

It wasn't that I had started to hate him because of this incident. He shouldn't be so conceited.

I already hated him. From the very beginning. I hated his guts.

Everywhere I went, I was surrounded by people. I was lonely, but I could never be alone. It felt like I was in a small fish tank, unable to breathe.

The only time I could breathe was when I returned home. The only place I could be alone, not just lonely, was on my apartment balcony.

At night, when I was here, I could be alone and take a deep breath.

But even though I came out to the balcony hoping to be alone, when I was actually alone, for some reason, I felt a sense of longing.

Before I knew it, I had opened my phone and was typing a message to Rui-san.

'Can we talk for a bit?'

Even after waiting for a while, there was no reply. It didn't even show as 'read'.

Is she out? Or did she already go to sleep? No, but her room light was on. She was probably there.

I regretted sending the message on an impulse.

Should I unsend it now? But that would be embarrassing in its own way. For her to know I sent something that made me panic enough to delete it.

It's always like this. Every single action I take is accompanied by regret. I've never been able to make a clear-headed decision.

While pretending to be calm on the surface, I was fighting a monster of self-consciousness swelling inside me. Then, the message I sent was marked as 'read'.

Ah, I thought, and the next moment, a message came back. 'Of course.' I was freed from the cage of self-consciousness that had trapped me. I felt like I had been forgiven for everything.

The sliding window of the next room opened, and Rui-san appeared on the balcony.

"Good evening."

"Sorry for bothering you so late at night."

"Not at all. I was watching a movie, so my reply was a bit late."

"A movie?" I said. "Was it interesting?"

"Yes, very. Let's watch it together sometime."

"I'd love to. But are you sure? You've already seen it."

"A good movie is interesting no matter how many times you watch it. Besides,"

"Besides?"

"It's also fun to watch your face while you're watching a movie, Yuito-kun."

She said that, resting her cheek on her hand on the railing as she smiled at me.

"I like it. Watching people's reactions to movies. 'Oh, this person laughs here. They get emotional here.'"

"That's a nasty hobby."

"I get that a lot."

Rui-san smiled happily. As she smiled, she took out a pack of cigarettes. With fingers as beautiful as seashells, she pulled out a single cigarette and lit it with a lighter.

After slowly exhaling the smoke, she rested her cheek on her hand on the railing and asked,

"How's school?"

"Same as always. I'm an outcast at school and at my part-time job. Skipping the field trip the other day was the final blow."

"Do you regret it?"

"No. That day was fun. Much more fun than going on the field trip."

If I had gone on the field trip, maybe things would have changed. By immersing myself in the extraordinary, maybe I could have connected with my classmates. I didn't think that for a second.

My past experiences told me. That was impossible. I'd never fit in. I'd always been isolated in the pack. There was no way I would suddenly change.

But still, it was a fact that it was taking a toll on me. Having completely lost my place at both school and my part-time job.

I'm not strong. It's because I'm not strong that I'm always putting on a brave face. I put on a cool expression and pretend it doesn't affect me.

Truly strong people can show their weakness. They're open to the outside world. Because they're open, they're loved by others.

Sending a message to Rui-san on my own initiative. That's not something my usual self would do. The reason I did it today was probably because I was feeling weak. Weaker than I thought.

But I couldn't let her know that. I didn't want to. I didn't want to show my pathetic side, especially not to her.

Usually, when I told Rui-san that I was isolated, she would smile happily. But today, perhaps sensing that I was different from usual, she didn't.

Instead, she made this suggestion.

"Yuito-kun, shall we play shiritori?"

"Shiritori?"

"Yes. The game where you connect words using the last letter of the previous word."

"I know what it is, but..."

"A normal game of shiritori lacks excitement, so let's add a restriction. Let's see... how about only using the names of novelists?"

"...Well, okay."

I had nothing else to do.

"Then, let's start right away. I'll go first. Akagawa Jiro."

"Uh, well then, Utano Shogo."

"Komatsu Sakyo," said Rui-san.

"...Vladimir Nabokov," I said.

"Fujisawa Shu."

"Aren't there a lot of 'u's?"

"It's my strategy. Come on, it's your turn, Yuito-kun."

"U... Ueo Hisamitsu."

"Tsunekawa Kotaro."

"U... Ubukata Tow."

The moment I thought of it, yes, I thought. It starts with 'u' and ends with 'u'. Rui-san's strategy had backfired. It had turned its fangs on her.

"Now it's your turn to suffer, Rui-san."

I said with a triumphant look on my face. I've gotten one back on you. Suffer the same pain.

However, Rui-san immediately replied, "Ukai Sana."

With a cool expression, she said it lightly. As if singing.

"...I didn't expect you to answer immediately," I couldn't help but say. "But I've never heard of that author before."

"Of course you haven't. She's an author I just made up."

"Eh?"

"As long as the name sounds plausible, it can be fictional. Ukai Sana, sounds like she'd be good at writing novels with coffee and food in them, don't you think?"

Rui-san raised a finger and said such a thing with a mischievous smile, completely unconcerned.

She bent the rules to her own convenience. It was unfair.

But I could forgive it.

In that case, I thought I'd play along.

"Okay. My turn. Natsukawa Sota."

"Sounds like he'd write youth novels. Well then, Kosaka Tadashi."

"Sounds like he'd write social-issue mysteries or legal thrillers. Shiraishi Naoto."

"Sounds like he'd write heavy human dramas."

We both kept listing the names of fictional authors. The reason we both knew they were fictional was because my and Rui-san's perceptions were connected.

The rally continued for a while after that. It was hard to reach a conclusion. Of course it was. They were fictional. We could fabricate as many as we wanted.

But it wasn't just anything. There had to be a minimum level of reality. Enough persuasiveness to make the other person think, maybe they really exist.

"Fuyushiro Itsuki."

To the words Rui-san said, I paused for a beat before replying.

"Uhm. Well then, Kijima San... Ah."

The moment I said it, crap, I thought.

"You ended with an 'n'," Rui-san said, then let out a small chuckle.

"Even though you could have said anything since it's a fictional name. To be so focused on the details that you dig your own grave."

She must have found it hilarious, as Rui-san was giggling. It was the first time I had ever seen her laugh like that.

It was so ridiculous that I couldn't help but laugh along with her.

Two people laughing their heads off on a balcony at night.

If anyone else saw us, they would have no idea what was so funny. We might have looked like aliens.

"It's been a long time since I've laughed this much."

"It's been a long time since I've been laughed at this much."

"But, that clumsy part of you, Yuito-kun, I like it."

After laughing for a while, Rui-san smiled at me, tears in the corners of her eyes. My body felt hot, as if a spotlight had been shone on me.

No matter how clumsy I was, no matter how bad I was at things. Even if I ended up making a fool of myself.

If Rui-san would laugh for me, that was enough. Even if I was an outcast at school and at my part-time job, if I had this time to spend in this place, I could endure it.

My place was here. Next to this person. That's what I felt.

◆◆◆

During school lunch breaks, I would wander the school grounds in search of a place to be alone. I wanted to go somewhere with no one around.

But I couldn't find such a place.

In the end, I found myself heading behind the special building.

I hoped she wouldn't be there, but she was. As if she had been waiting. As if she knew that if she was here, I would come.

"Hey."

Koharu-sensei, who was squatting down, called out to me in a light tone.

"It's been a while since you've shown your face here, hasn't it?"

"...It has been a while."

I replied, feeling a sense of awkwardness. A sense of guilt for avoiding her, and a sense of shame for having nowhere else to go and eventually returning.

"Thank goodness. I was worried you wouldn't come back."

Koharu-sensei said, looking relieved.

"You're the original inhabitant of this place, Enoki-kun. If you didn't come back, it would feel like I drove you away, and that would leave a bad taste in my mouth."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, sit down. You haven't had lunch yet, have you?"

I went into the shadow under the eaves of the roof and sat down, keeping a distance from Koharu-sensei. I opened the packaging of the yakisoba bread I bought from the school store and took a bite.

"You like yakisoba bread?"

"...Not particularly."

I had just grabbed whatever caught my eye. But it wasn't bad. Come to think of it, it had been a while since I'd had a proper lunch at school.

"I, you know, I like koppepan."

"Huh."

"It's always unpopular and the last one left. So I feel like I have to be its champion. Well, I do like the taste too, though."

Koharu-sensei said that, then,

"By the way, there's something I wanted to ask."

"Yes?"

"The other day, when you skipped the field trip, you said you were watching a movie at home with that woman, right? What movie were you watching?"

"...Are you curious? About something like that."

"I am curious, of course. It's a movie you'd skip a field trip to see. I wonder just how interesting it is."

It wasn't particularly interesting. In fact, it was in the boring category. Although, it was much better than going on the field trip.

I told Koharu-sensei the title of the movie I had watched that day.

"Hmm. I've never heard of it. I don't usually watch movies."

"What was the last movie you saw?"

I wasn't particularly interested. I just thought it was better than sitting in silence.

"An anime movie that was out last summer. A friend invited me."

It was a popular work. There was a lot of buzz about its box office revenue being in the tens of billions.

"I saw that one too. It was good."

"Oh, you watch stuff like that, Enoki-kun? I thought for sure you'd be the type to say that movies everyone watches are 'lame' and not watch them."

"What do you think I am?"

It doesn't matter if everyone's watching it or not, if it's popular or not.

A good work is good. An interesting work is interesting. That's all there is to it.

"Well, I didn't like how crowded the movie theater was, though."

I stuck a straw into a paper carton of coffee milk and drank. Compared to the black coffee I usually drank, the sweetness was intense.

But this was fine in its own way.

"Hey. The person you kissed... was it that woman?"

Suddenly, I choked.

I started coughing.

"I knew it. I thought so."

"...I didn't say anything."

I didn't even say I had kissed someone.

"But your body was honest, wasn't it?"

Koharu-sensei had the face of a great detective.

"I see. So Enoki-kun likes older women. Well, that person was quite beautiful," she said, nodding to herself as if she had come to a conclusion.

Then, her tone of voice suddenly changed.

"But, you know, I think that person is dangerous."

"Dangerous?"

"It's a woman's intuition, I guess. When I met her, I thought, 'This person will lead Enoki-kun down a bad path.'"

Saki-san had said something similar.

Rui is the kind of person who drives people crazy.

I wonder if that's how women see Rui-san. In any case, hearing her described so harshly almost made me laugh.

"In fact, aren't you already being influenced, Enoki-kun?"

"I wonder."

"Because you've been skipping school a lot lately," Koharu-sensei pointed out.

"Before, you used to at least come."

That's right. I had been skipping school lately.

"But I've been contacting you," I said. "You said it's one thing to skip, but it's not okay to be absent without notice or to lie. You told me that, Sensei."

"That's true. You've been contacting me properly every day. 'I want to be absent, so I'm taking the day off,' so foolishly honest. It's embarrassing every time another teacher relays the message to me. It feels like it's so obvious that my student doesn't respect me."

"I don't disrespect you, Sensei."

"Even if you think that, that's not how others see it."

"And it's not Rui-san's fault that I'm skipping school," I said, while thinking that even if she wasn't the cause, she might be the reason.

The time I spent skipping school was often with Rui-san. Sometimes we would spend time together when she also skipped university, and sometimes I would go with her to the university.

When Rui-san found out I was skipping school, she would say, 'Yuito-kun, you're a bad boy,' and laugh, completely forgetting her own actions. And then she would say,

'Now we can spend more time together.'

I had no place at school or at my part-time job.

But Rui-san accepted me. Only the time I spent with her brought me peace.

"If you keep being absent at this pace, you're going to have to repeat a year. And you won't be able to keep up with classes at all. You don't have anyone to borrow notes from, do you?"

"Maybe not."

"Maybe not... do you really understand?"

"I understand," I nodded. "And I think it's fine even if I have to repeat a year, worst-case scenario."

"It's not fine. Most students who repeat a year end up dropping out. If that happens, the difficulty of life will jump up at once. Maybe you're not enjoying school life right now. But if you just grit your teeth and try hard now, surely──"

"How long do I have to endure?"

"Eh?"

"Even if I endure, what in the world is waiting for me at the end of it?"

"That's..." Koharu-sensei was at a loss for words for a moment. "If you go to university, your environment will change. Even if you hate it now, surely fun things are waiting for you."

"Nothing will change. Even if I become a university student, even if I become a working adult, no matter where I go, I can't escape the people I hate. They'll change their names and faces and appear before me again and again. As long as this society is a community. They'll pop up everywhere. Out of ten people, nine are people I hate. I'm surrounded by people I hate, but the world revolves around them. If you don't conform to them, you can't live in society. I can't fit into that herd. I can't fit in, and I don't want to try. Even if I endure now, I won't be rewarded in the future, and knowing that, I'm not noble or insensitive enough to keep enduring."

The other day, I realized it clearly.

The world is overflowing with people I hate, and they also hate me, but society revolves around them.

There is no place for me there.

At the end of continued endurance, further endurance awaits. And at the end of that, there is nothing. I'll just end up unrewarded after enduring to the end.

And other people don't even think of the endurance I'm going through as endurance. Because they can fit in with their surroundings so naturally.

I'm being forced to run an absurd and unreasonable race. In that case, I thought it might be better to get off now.

If the destination is hell anyway. And if the journey there is also hell. I want to cherish the time I can spend with Rui-san now.

"Even if I skip school and, worst-case scenario, drop out, it won't bother anyone. My classmates won't even notice. No one will be troubled."

No matter what happens, no one will spare me a thought. Because there are no connections. So I can walk the path of ruin without any lingering attachments.

The bell signaling the end of lunch break rang. From the front of the building, I could hear the hurried footsteps of students returning to their classrooms.

But I didn't move. I didn't care if I was late. If I didn't want to be scolded for being late, I could just ditch school altogether before that. It was that simple.

"...I'm sorry. For not noticing," Koharu-sensei said. Koharu-sensei also didn't move from her spot. Even though she should have had a class to teach.

"I didn't know you were thinking like that, Enoki-kun."

"It's not something you need to apologize for, Koharu-sensei."

Koharu-sensei was not at fault. It was just that I couldn't fit in. It would have been the same in any class, with any homeroom teacher.

"But, let me say just one thing. You said that even if you dropped out, no one would care. That's not true."

"What do you mean?"

"If you stopped coming to school, Enoki-kun, I'd be sad."

Koharu-sensei said that, looking straight at me.

Her lack of pretense, the strength of her words, almost made me look away. Unable to take it head-on, I instinctively blurted out a cowardly reply.

"...But if that happens, you'll have this place all to yourself."

"That's true. But being alone all the time is lonely. I'm sure there will be days when I want someone to complain to."

"For your own sake?"

"Yeah. But, at least there's one person here who would be happy if you came to school, Enoki-kun. Just keep that in the back of your mind, if you can."

After saying that,

"That's all. Well, I have a class, so," she stood up and left.

She didn't tell me to go to class.

Koharu-sensei's words remained in the back of my mind even after she was gone.

It's not like anything would change because of it.

But they remained.

I didn't go back to school after that. Once you stop going, you can't go back unless something happens.

But I still went out.

Rui-san had invited me to lunch. I sat on a bench in a sunless smoking area at the university, waiting for her lecture to end.

Since it was during a lecture, there were few people around. As I was reading a book I had brought, a voice suddenly came from above me.

"Yo. Since when did you become a university student?"

"...Saki-san. It's been a while."

It was Rui-san's friend, Saki-san. She was wearing a T-shirt and jeans. Up close, her good figure was even more prominent.

"Skipping class?"

"Don't lump me in with you guys. I just came for a smoke before my lecture. Besides, this isn't a place for a minor to be. This place."

"But it's quiet."

"Well, it's crowded everywhere on campus. But still, a smoking area? It's definitely not good for your health. You won't live long, you know?"

"Maybe," I replied. "But I don't really mind."

Even if I lived a long life, it's not like anything would happen. In fact, the longer I live, the more I get tired of thinking that life still goes on.

"You should value yourself more," Saki-san said with an exasperated look, taking a cigarette from her pack, putting it in her mouth, and lighting it with a lighter.

"You say that, but you're smoking too, Saki-san."

"I'm smoking precisely because I value myself."

Saki-san stood next to the bench I was sitting on, leaning her back against the wall, and exhaled a puff of smoke toward the empty space, looking like she was enjoying it. It was a different smell of tobacco from Rui-san's.

Saki-san looked cool smoking too, I thought. But it couldn't compare to the way Rui-san looked when she smoked.

After exhaling the smoke, Saki-san started talking.

"I hear you've been skipping school lately?"

"Did Rui-san tell you?"

"She was telling me about it happily."

"What did you think, Saki-san?"

"If you don't want to go, then don't. Even if you have to repeat a year, looking back on it later, it'll be a good experience. Even if you drop out, you can take the GED and go to college."

"You're very tolerant."

"I just don't care. It's not my life."

"Are you attending your lectures properly, Saki-san?"

"If a university student has to repeat a year, it costs a lot of money. Millions. When I think about that, I don't have time for adolescent angst."

"You're very serious."

"Idiot. A serious person wouldn't be in a band like a fool in their third year."

Saki-san laughed self-deprecatingly and turned her gaze outside the smoking area. I followed her gaze. Through the gap between the dim buildings, I could see the street outside.

University students in suits were walking together.

"That's..."

"The job-hunting crowd. Poor things, in this heat."

Saki-san had a look in her eyes as if she were looking at something far away.

"But they're amazing, aren't they?"

"What is?"

"Even the ones who were just fooling around until now, when it's time for job hunting, they all dye their hair back to black and start looking sharp. I wonder how they can be so pragmatic."

Was that sarcasm, or genuine respect?

"By the way, I hear it's almost time for internships."

I said, recalling what Sake-bag had been talking about.

"Apparently."

"Are you participating, Saki-san?"

"Can you imagine me in a suit, with my hair dyed black, walking around like that?"

"Not at all."

"I can't imagine it at all either. So I'm not participating," she murmured, then threw her short cigarette into the water of the ashtray.

"So, are you going to focus on the band?"

"If it goes well."

"I think that's cool."

It was my honest opinion.

"It's not something to be praised. Anyone can say it. A declaration without results has no meaning. You're just getting high on yourself and feeling good."

Saki-san said that, then added, "Besides,"

"Only a very few can be special. Most people can't, and they get beaten down by the world."

"Beaten down by the world?"

"When you're in a band, you can't help but realize it. Even talented people have their dreams shattered and quit one after another. Even if they finally make it to their debut, they don't sell, or they fight with their band members, and before they know it, they've lost what they had at the beginning. They might get money and fame, but from the perspective of their pre-debut self, they've become a boring person."

After saying that much, she took a cigarette from the pack and murmured self-deprecatingly,

"I'm saying this now, but maybe someday I'll become like them, and I won't even think anything of it."

Thinking of the distant future, Saki-san smoked her lit cigarette. Watching the smoke rise into the air, I too was lost in thought.

"...Rui-san too," I suddenly asked. "Will there come a time when Rui-san is beaten down by the world like that?"

"Who knows."

Saki-san said, staring into the empty space.

"But with time, people change whether they like it or not. There's no one who doesn't change. The day will come when they're beaten down by the world. For example, when they get a job, when they get married, or when something inside them breaks. And I'm sure Rui is no exception."

I imagine it.

The time when Rui-san stops being Rui-san. The time when she loses the light she now possesses.

Imagining it, my chest tightens. It becomes unbearable.

"Ah, forget it."

Suddenly, Saki-san waved her hand as if brushing away a bug and forcefully ended the conversation.

"Talking to a teenager makes me feel like a teenager too. Let me tell you, a smoking area is a place for useless, stupid conversations."

"I'm sorry."

Saki-san threw her finished cigarette into the ashtray and said in a gruff tone,

"Next time, I'll take you to the sea."

"The sea?"

"You're worrying about something, aren't you? Most worries can be solved by cutting through the wind on a bike and looking at the sea," Saki-san declared.

Her decisiveness made me laugh.

"What is it?"

"Saki-san," I said after a pause. "You're a kind person."

"No, I'm not. I'll hit you without a second thought."

Saki-san said that and, as if to hide her embarrassment, she punched me on the shoulder.

It hurt, but I didn't feel any pain at all.

◆◆◆

'Shall we go for a walk now?'

That invitation from Rui-san came one night after my part-time job, just as I was about to step out onto the balcony to clear my head of my feeling depressed.

'A walk?'

'We'll drink alcohol and wander through the midnight streets together. Doesn't that sound fun?'

It did sound fun.

I had no other plans, and it seemed like a good way to cool my head, so I agreed. After getting ready, I went out into the hallway, where Rui-san was waiting in front of her room.

"Good evening."

"Hey."

We met up and started walking together. We went down the rusty stairs and stood on the ground.

"Please wait a moment."

With that, Rui-san went into a nearby convenience store. When she came out, she was holding a can of highball.

"It's cool and feels nice,"

Rui-san, who had been holding the can to her cheek, now brought it to my cheek.

"See?"

"..."

It was certainly cold. But my face was just as hot.

"Now, let's head out into the night. It's a parade."

"To call it a parade, two people seems a bit too few."

"But two is enough, isn't it?"

Rui-san was right. We didn't need anyone else.

We left the light of the convenience store and stepped into the curtain of night.

The time had already passed midnight.

In the residential area, away from the main road, there was no sign of anyone other than us. The lights in the houses were off, and there were no people to be seen. Only the streetlights stretched out lonely on the road.

Rui-san opened the pull tab of the highball can. Pssh. A pleasant sound. Then she tilted the can and drank the liquid inside.

"You still like your alcohol, don't you?"

"It makes a fun time even more fun."

"I'm jealous."

"Would you like some, Yuito-kun?"

Rui-san offered me the can.

Normally, I would have refused, saying I was a minor. But today I didn't. I wanted to see even a little of the same scenery as Rui-san.

"Then, I'll have some."

I took the can, put my lips to the opening, and gulped down the contents.

A sweet and slightly bitter liquid slid down my throat. My insides felt warm.

"Fufu. That's some good drinking," Rui-san smiled.

"How does your first taste of alcohol feel?"

"It's not good."

It's bitter, and it makes my nose sting. I can't understand people who like to drink this. Or maybe the taste changes when you become an adult.

"It's like that at first. Both cigarettes and alcohol," Rui-san said, indicating that she had once walked the same path.

Today, I drank alcohol for the first time.

And Rui-san was definitely the reason.

If I started smoking when I turned twenty, that would probably also be because of Rui-san.

Rui-san had stolen several of my firsts. She had left indelible scars.

Someday, when I'm old. When I'm smoking a cigarette or drinking alcohol, I'll probably suddenly remember Rui-san, like a seizure.

The bitter taste of the highball I drank at this moment today.

The night air, pregnant with the smell of summer.

Rui-san's white, smooth shoulders as she walked beside me.

Her moon-like radiance.

"Your face is red, Yuito-kun."

Rui-san, illuminated by a streetlight, smiled as she looked at me.

"You're a lightweight, aren't you?"

"Well, I'm a minor."

The core of my head felt numb. My body was warm from the inside.

"How do you feel?"

"Not bad."

I felt light and floaty, which felt good.

Most importantly, the thick armor of self-consciousness I usually wore was thinner. I felt like the hostile gaze of the world had weakened.

"Where is this parade heading?"

"I haven't really decided. If I had to say, the convenience store. Since you drank all the highball. I'm going to buy a second one."

"In that case, I'll pay."

"No. Just showing me how you drank earlier is more than enough."

Rui-san went to the convenience store and bought another highball can. This time, two. She offered one of them to me.

"Here. This is for you, Yuito-kun."

In the end, she treated me again.

I thanked her and took it, then opened the pull tab. Pssh. A pleasant sound. I felt the coldness of the can in my palm as I drank the liquid inside.

I was getting drunk. My senses were blurring, and the outlines of the scenery were becoming vague.

The night, the streetlights, and the buildings were mixing like paint.

But the outlines of myself and the person next to me were clear. It felt like only me and Rui-san existed in this blurred world.

It was my ideal world.

And it felt like a very happy space.

"By the way, the other day, I met Saki-san at the smoking area and we talked. We saw some job-hunting students and talked about whether we could imagine ourselves in suits."

"Hmm. And?"

"Saki-san said she couldn't."

"And you, Yuito-kun?"

"I couldn't imagine it either. Or rather, I didn't want to imagine it. I don't want to think about the future that much. What about you, Rui-san?"

"Hmm. I wonder. Can you imagine me in a suit?"

I try to imagine it.

Rui-san in a suit, wearing heels.

"I think it would suit you."

Rui-san has a good figure, so she would look good in anything. She might even be able to get a job offer from a major corporation with ease.

But I didn't want to see it, nor did I want her to wear it.

"That's a bit of a loaded way to put it, but I don't mind being told it suits me."

"The other day, when you were asked by Sake-bag—Sakurada-san, you said it was undecided. Are you going to participate in the internship after all?"

"No. I'm not really thinking about it," Rui-san said. "My suit is still in a cardboard box that I haven't unpacked. It's a pain to take it out. I don't even know which box it's in."

What kind of reason is that? You're too much of a social misfit.

I almost laughed.

But hearing Rui-san say that, I felt a sense of relief. I was glad that Rui-san hadn't been swallowed up by society.

I don't want her to change. I think that from the bottom of my heart.

"It's almost been half a year since we met, Yuito-kun."

Rui-san suddenly said.

I met Rui-san in the spring of this year. I still remember it clearly. From the first day she came to the store, I had been following her with my eyes every time.

"Back then, I never thought we'd become as close as we are now."

I didn't think so either.

To think that the person I admired would move in next door, that we would start talking, and that now we would be taking walks together in the middle of the night.

"Um, can I ask you one thing?"

"Anything."

"When you came to the store, you always said words of thanks, right? Like 'katajikenou gozaru' or 'arigato usagi'."

"Yes."

"What was the intention behind that?"

Rui-san would change her words of thanks every time she came to the store. Perhaps because the alcohol had loosened the plug of my self-consciousness, I was able to ask her honestly.

"Being asked to explain the intention behind a bit of playfulness is kind of embarrassing."

Rui-san covered her mouth with her sleeve and let out a small, bitter laugh.

"But, let's see. I think I probably wanted to get your attention."

Eh, I let out a sound.

"I wanted to become friends with you, Yuito-kun. So, I think I acted like that because I wanted you to notice me."

"...You wanted to be friends with me?"

I couldn't understand.

I'm not good at studying, nor am I good at sports. I'm not good-looking, nor do I have anything that would make people like me.

In fact, I was hated.

And yet, Rui-san wanted to be friends with me.

My question of why was answered in the next moment.

"The first time I walked into that store, the moment I saw your eyes at the register, I thought, 'This person must hate everything in the world and can't stand it.'"

The moment she said that, I felt a shock as if I had been hit on the head.

Rui-san was right.

At first, I had tried to fit in with the herd. Because I had to in order to live. But the truth was, I hated everything.

Sake-bag, who put me down in front of others to show off his own superiority.

The manager, who made it seem like I was also at fault when I had done nothing wrong.

The part-timers who subtly avoided me, believing the twisted rumors.

The popular boys in class who thought they could get away with anything. The other kids in class who laughed along with their unfunny remarks.

I really, truly hated it all. And most of all, I hated myself for not being able to come to terms with the world.

But.

"...How did you know? That I hate everything in the world and can't stand it."

No one had ever seen through me like that.

Because I had put on a front.

Because no one had ever tried to take an interest in me.

"Hmm. Let's see. I can't really say anything other than 'I just knew'. But if I had to put it into words..."

"If you had to?"

"Maybe it's because I was the same type of person as you, Yuito-kun."

Rui-san said that and smiled at me.

The moment I saw that gentle expression, I suddenly felt like I was going to cry.

I had always thought I was all alone.

That I was the only alien in this world. That I could never understand anyone.

But there was another one. Another person with the same frequency. She was definitely here. The moment I understood that, my chest tightened so much I couldn't breathe.

And then, with my drunken head, I thought again.

I love this person.

I love the time I spend with Rui-san.

Out of ten people, I hate nine.

But Rui-san is different.

She was the only person who was important to me.

──But, someday.

I remember what Saki-san said.

Even if it's fine now, someday the day might come when Rui-san is beaten down by the world.

A time might come when she is sullied, swallowed up, and loses her brilliance.

If she doesn't enter society.

If she graduates from university without getting a job. If she lives carefree while working part-time. It might be poor and hungry, but she might be able to avoid being swallowed by the world.

But even then, someday, the limit will be reached. The day will come when she loses her brilliance and wakes from the dream. The day when we can no longer be as we are now.

Surely, without something, you can't keep dreaming. That something is probably youth, or talent.

I'm afraid of that time coming. Of the magic being broken. Of losing the only person I've ever thought was precious in this world.

When that happens, I won't know how to live.

If I lose the light that is Rui-san, I'll be left standing in the darkness. I'll lose sight of what to rely on from now on.

So, I want this time to last forever. I don't want the parade to end. I want to keep walking through the midnight with Rui-san forever.

As we walked, the drunkenness gradually wore off. From the world of dreams to reality. The parade was soon coming to an end.

"Actually, there's something I want to talk to you about, Yuito-kun."

When we reached a familiar scene, Rui-san suddenly murmured.

"Something you want to talk about?"

I sensed something unsettling in her tone of voice.

A topic brought up just as the parade was about to end. I had a bad feeling.

"Do you remember the short story I had you read before?"

"Of course, I remember."

A short story of about fifty manuscript pages that was panned by her seminar students. The seminar students had panned it, but I thought that work was interesting.

"That short story, I sent it to a public contest for new writers and it won an award."

I was at a loss for words. For a moment, my understanding was delayed.

Rui-san won an award.

With a short story that everyone had torn apart, she was recognized. She produced results.

The award Rui-san mentioned was a famous new writer's award that I also knew of. It had produced many talented writers in the past.

"It hasn't been announced yet, so I'm not supposed to tell anyone yet. But I wanted to tell you first, Yuito-kun."

Rui-san said that, then,

"If you hadn't praised it, if you hadn't said it was interesting, I don't think I would have thought to submit it to the award. So, I wanted to thank you."

After somehow swallowing my feelings of relief that the news wasn't bad, and my feelings of confusion at the unexpected report, I said,

"...It's not like I did anything to deserve thanks."

It was my honest opinion.

In fact, I was the one who wanted to thank her.

Rui-san was right. That work was interesting. What I, what Rui-san believed in was not wrong.

Because she had proven it.

"But, congratulations."

"Fufu. Thank you."

Rui-san smiled a little shyly.

"That being said, it's a short story, so I don't know if it will be published as a book yet. It's very difficult to make a living from just novels."

"It's okay," I said. "If it's you, Rui-san, it'll definitely be okay."

Because Rui-san has talent.

The talent, the charm, to not be swallowed by the world.

"When you say it like that, Yuito-kun, I really feel like it might be true."

Receiving my 100% affirmation, Rui-san smiled. Seeing that, I felt a happiness from the bottom of my heart. I'm glad I'm alive, I think.

"I want to make a bomb."

"A bomb?"

"I think a truly great work can change a person's heart. It has the power to change that person's thoughts, their values. So I want to scatter my thoughts, my poison, into the world through my novels. And I want to leave indelible scars on the hearts of the people who read my work. I want to create as many people as possible who resonate with my thoughts. By doing so, maybe the world will change, even just a little. Maybe it will become a world that is easier for us to live in."

It's terrorism, I thought. Rui-san is trying to start terrorism. She's trying to scatter bombs into this world through her novels.

"That," I said. "Is really cool."

"That's why I want you to be my accomplice, Yuito-kun."